Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

There's nothing better than an alcoholic telling you you need to get a life.

Birthdays suck. No really, they do. Every birthday I've always had sucked a**. Even when I did have parties.
What are birthdays for, anyway? What was once, "Congratulations, you didn't die this year" became "Hey, where's my presents?"

I guess I'm just weird because my mind is going "thank god you're still alive this year," and my voice is saying "Hey, where are my damned presents?"

On the inside it's all, "Jesus, I get to schluck through another day tosay."
Today, I made a joke with myself; I seem to like parodying my life now to make me feel happier for some reason.

"Hey you guys, GUESS WHAT?!" I yelled out; "It's my birthday today and NOBODY CARES!" in a refreshing tone at lunch, hands in the air and a smirk on my face.

"You're right," John said. "No one does care." And they don't.

"Well, why didn't you bring any balloons?" one guy said before lunch. "Balloons? Balloons are for popular people with no self-confidence who need to be assured that people still like them. Balloons are for the teen girls who complain about not having enough presents, and how people need to love them with money and not friendship. 'and look at how big my boobs are!' That's what balloons are for for birthdays. I don't want any ******** balloons." He laughed and said, "You're right."

It astounded me how many girls share my birthday today. And it's not like I'd normally care- it's just that the inner attention whore was saying, "Why the ******** are these prissy ******** getting attention they don't deserve?"
Yesterday, I was talking to some freshman who asked how old I was. I said I was "18, tomorrow"
"Nuh uh!" he said. He simply couldn't believe the fact I was a senior or any older than 15. What the hell... Just because I don't flaunt my lack of boobs everywhere I am no older than 15?
Fifteen year olds have more boobs than 18 year olds, usually.
Unless they go witht he current trend and get boob jobs, anyway.

As if anyone needed more than a handful. Come on. "I need larger breasts because people treat me better." You need some counseling. If all you care about is how guys look at you with bedroom eyes as you walk passed, you need some ******** help.

The sad thing is.. I went out of my way this year to say it was my birthday. I normally never do that- I don't know why I did it this year. I usually keep my aging to myself. But on Friday and Monday I kept yelling out "I'm turning 18 on Wednesday" and then when wednesday came it was all balloons and "Oh, happy birthday"s to the people with balloons and nobody even acknowledged I exsisted.. Which.. Is normal, I suppose.

So I go home and open the presents of which I already know what they are, and watch some of them(as they're DVDs) and then Chris/Devo(my ex-fiance) calls.
Oh man, how surprized was I?
We hadn't spoken voive-to-voice in years, and he remembers when my birthday is, and further more, still has my phone number, and even further, begs his mother(since he has no money) to make a long distance call from Canada to my house... All just to wish me a happy birthday.

I felt bad, to put it lightly. I don't have his phone number, I don't know his birthday, and I never do anything for him. He invited me to his house for Canadian Thanksgiving, which is this Sunday. I'd go, and my mother said I could, but I had no way ot get up there. So since I couldn't get up there, I'm obviously not going.
"Well, if you say 'you should come down here for American thanksgiving' then I will do it," he told me. "No questions asked; I will do it. I can take off work, and I can drive down there and meet you."

So he's coming down here for American Thanksgiving.
I just feel so horrible. All he's ever done is listen to my crap and rants, given me love and presents, come down to the states for me dozens of times- and I don't even know when his birthday is. I don't know when my brother's birthday is. Or my father's. I only know my mom's because it's right before mother's day.

So after he hangs up and I feel like it's gonna be a good rest of the day, I am suddenly overwhelmed with this feeling of guilt because I don't do anything for Devo.

So I watch some more anime to soak in my lonliness, and my Uncle Scott calls.
Scott's a raging alcoholic who is worse than me at complaining. He complains about everything, cusses every which way, and is all-around a "bad influence". I'm not certain, but I'm pretty sure he's abusive, and all he ever does is talk smack about his wife and how being married was the worst decision he ever made.

So he gets on the phone, and decided.. He has ot wish me a happy birthday.
There are some things I've never liked.

I've never liked hugs, I've never liked people not explaining something when I ask them to explain because despite what they think- I really didn't get it, and I don't like being called up for "Happy" birthdays.

"There are three things I need to tell you," he starts off, trying to make it quick. "1. Don't get pregnant." I already knew that.
"2. Make a buttload of money." Okay...
"3. If you get married, make sure the guy you marry has a LOT more money then you do." WTF?

"Have a happy birthday. You're 18, now, what are you doing to celebrate?"
"I'm not doing anything.." I told him.
"NOTHING? Why aren't you doing anything? You're eighteen! Go out! Go party! Grab your mom and tell her you're going out- hit a nightclub or something, have a shirley temple. Why aren't you doing anything? Why aren't you out with your friends?"
"I don't have any friends," I sigh. Boy, this is a repeating conversation lately.
"Why not?"
"I sit in front of the computer all day, I don't have any real friends..."
"Well, then you've got computer friends, right? Look them up in the phonebook and go partying with them!"
"<laugh> None of them live here." Well, at least he doesn't think I'm a total nutjob.
"Oh, that's a load of bull. Hit up some Georgia chatrooms then. What about your boyfriend? Why not go out with him."

"I don't have one."

"LIAR! You have a boyfriend! What is a beautiful girl like you doing without a boyfriend? You need a boyfriend. Why don't you go out and find one?"
Why the hell do I need a boyfriend? Can I not protect myself, now?

"I don't need a boyfriend."

"Do you WANT a boyfriend?"

"Well, I.. Well, regardless if I want one or not, I don't NEED one!"

So then we go into this honest conversation about me needing to go out and get a life and stop being on the computer. "If you stay on the computer all the time you're gonna end up being like your DAD." he says, "Now don't get me wrong, your dad makes good money, but there's more to life then sitting in front of a screen. Get out and DO SOMETHING."

So then he starts convincing me to go out a fish. "You used to love fishing and bugs and all that stuff, why can't you go in the fishing tourneys? Why can't you go hiking? "

"We have to drive a long way to get to those places, and it takes a lot of money.." I sigh. Please get off the phone. My day is bad enough.

"Well get a liscence!" Nothing about money. "Then you can go wherever you want whenever."

So he goes into this cycle of telling me all the things mentioned above again, and again, and again, till I finally get him to get off the phone. "Get a liscence, get a life, do something for your birthday, geta boyfriend.."

"You're still a virgin, right?" He asked.
"Uh.. Yeah.."
"You need to get out more."

So he hangs up finally, I watch some more anime before schlucking up to the computer; maybe I can get some "work" done(which, even as I've been on here for a few hours, I haven't worked on anythign I planned on working on) and a MIRACULOUS TWO PEOPLE say "Happy birthday" to me.
Last year I got a big fat nothing, and you know, I think I liked the nothing.

"I want you to be happy."
I doubt I'll ever be happy. I can be content, but I doubt I will ever be happy.