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Its been weird. I'll start this entry off at Valentines Day 2008...at around 9:00 pm I received a phone call telling me that a man, who really was just like an uncle to me, died of a heart attack. His funeral was truly one of the saddest I've ever been to and I cried nearly the whole entire thing, even while I was singing Amazing Grace for him. His life was so joyous and wonderful, even if he was a little off smile . Then, about two weeks ago, I received word that a professor of mine was killed by a heart attack at his son's boy scout camp. That was weird enough on its own, but to be the second in a year. His was so unexpected, because he didn't smoke nor was he a very unhealthy man. But nonetheless, his funeral was on October 15 on campus...I didn't go. I didn't feel like it was right of me to go; felt like I was intruding. It was all very sad, but still didn't get me it should've I guess. But then Sunday, last day of fall break, three days ago, I heard from my mom that my second cousin three times removed or whatever (I don't know, he's kind of but not really related to me) was killed by a heart attack Saturday night. This will be the third funeral I will come into contact with within a year...all from the same cause. It just kills me deep down, even though these men weren't relatives or excruciatingly close to me. It just kills me...the funeral is on Thursday and I just don't know how to feel. Like deep down, somewhere I don't know, I'm really hurting from all this...like dying...but I don't show it at all on the surface. I really don't feel it unless I concentrate really hard. This is the first I've mentioned to anyone of the sadness that I feel right now. I just don't really know what to do or feel...I want to cry, and yet I don't know why. I want to scream, but don't know what I want to scream. I want to shy away from the world all together, but I want everyone to be around me. I just don't know...I just don't know....I just began to cry, and my roommate, oblivious to my feelings is shreiking one of the five songs she listens to non-stop. The tear just came from no where, and the knot in my stomach won't go away...I just don't know what to do nor why I'm so confused about my feelings....my emotions are usually so straight forward, but if it were up to me, I'd jump out my window right now or go screaming/ running down the halls like a madman...but not really have any motivation behind it...

Anyways, I guess the real reason I wrote this is with the hope that if any of my Gaian friends are wondering why I'm not talking to them, I'm sorry...I just don't know what to say right now...please forgive me...and if you start talking to me, I will do my best to keep talking back..please talk to me smile I need ppl right now