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I've finally had some time to myself, by myself, with not even the slightest chance of being stuck hanging out with people. It's amazing what a little solitude can do for a person. And what it can do TO a person. I've been bothered by questions I can't answer myself. I'm not sure even who can answer them. They are intertwined, in a way. I know part of one answer, or at least I think I do. I could be all wrong. I can't tell because I'm me. But...I have to wonder. First, what is it that makes it so I grasp and retain things often more easily than people who are just as smart, if not smarter, than I am? And second, is that difference part of my "people problem"? (ie. my extreme stress around people I'm not very comfortable around for various reasons and the feeling that all but a few put up with me either because they're too polite to completely shun me or because they want to make use of my often unfortunate tendency to help people, especially in the area of tutoring)
As it is, I know Rawr is kinda abusing the fact that I can figure out the chem labs so easily. Hell, Jaimi and Caitlyn are, too, but Rawr is the most overt. And I'm too damn nice to tell them to figure it out themselves. I've explained the same damn concept to them 3 times now, including when we learned the concept in class!!!! How fcking hard is it?! molarity=moles/volume. I can't skip our lab things 'cause then I have no excuse to dodge chem boy's invites on those nights. But I am so damn tired of figuring out EVERY SINGLE CALCULATION and having to explain it 2 or 3 times, once to each person, when the damned formulas are IN THE BOOK!! GAH!! Or if they're not in the book, it's stuff we've done IN THE LECTURE D< Why am I the ONLY one of the 4 of us who can figure this crap out?!
Thank goodness I managed to convince Caitlyn that I didn't want to go to Athens this weekend! I love her friends there, but I need a break from people in general. I'm so rarely alone, and that alone time is often intruded upon. I haven't been able to be myself for 11 weeks! I know I shouldn't let people's opinions stop me from just being who I am, but the last thing I need is to alienate the few people who tolerate me now. Not that I can avoid it. I already did enough damage during the camping trip. I'm usually fairly mature, but sometimes I tend to indulge in childishness. Like making sparks in the fire by rubbing a stick on a burning log. For an hour >.> But come on! That doesn't exactly deserve the distance I got for that, especially since Rawr started it -.- They like her well enough. She fit into their normalcy. She relaxes, and it's all good. I relax, and I get strange looks.
They've changed the way I see myself. Somewhat for the better, somewhat for the worse.
I need to sleep. I have to savor tomorrow morning 'cause it's the last time I can be away from having to be with people all the time.
 nepie · Sun Oct 26, 2008 @ 05:24am · 0 Comments |
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