Having These... What Are They?
I've been, and always been having these feelings when something good happens, and its only a matter of time when it goes away. I always hope for the best in anything that I know isn't going to happen, but that's just me. I say something, but I don't really do anything about it. It makes me mad about the whole thing. But the real problem is that I can't stop myself. I'll believe in it, and in the next second, I just have to wait and I have to think it all the time. When something like far away things happen, I always try to be good, even though if I don't want to, because I want what I hope to happen happen... Does that make sense? I doubt it does to you, but that is just me and stuff. So what am I going to do about this?
I want that feeling to go away, cause either way, if I find out that it isn't going to happen, or that it will, it's just going to make a difference in my life, and I think that is the only purpose for it. What am I trying to say here? That I want something good happen, not happen? No. I want the good thing to happen, and that is why I can't stop myself from hoping for it to come. But the thing is, it takes awhile for this feeling to leave. When the good thing already happened, I won't get over it after a few days or maybe a couple weeks. That is just how I am. Weird huh? Well, the thing is that I want to keep this feeling and a little not. There is already things that I hate about myself. And now that I think about it, a feeling isn't much as bad as it would really be. I would mind keeping this. The only fact that bothers me is the fact that I would hurt myself in keeping this feeling. I know that it sounds crazy and crap, but I would just throw that away right now.
I want to keep this feeling. because if I don't, sometimes I feel that I might lose the memory of why I kept hoping for it and stuff. I want to keep this because it is a part of me that you, or I can't even change. But I can't keep this because its making my heart feel so heavy. Once I know that the good thing that happened is now over, I won't forget it, but then again, I would still hope that it would happen again. See how stupid and emotional I get? But that still won't change who I am. I get angry at myself for changing me. You and maybe everyone around you hate something about themselves. I know, cause I have friends who do all the time. But doing that so makes me feel guilty, because we get this from our parents. And that makes me feel like I don't want to be my parents daughter or son. But whatever...
I truly, do want to make this feeling go away just right now. Because all I am doing is getting obsessed over the fact that I still like him, and I won't get that out of my mind. I won't ever get it out, because it's what I and who I like. But what am I supposed to do? My heart feels heavy because he hurt me, but that is something different. I feel heavy inside my heart, like I don't have enough strength to carry it. I feel so cowardly, because it feels like that I lost a game. A game of love. A game that, if you fall for it, then you lose. That's a battle that I always lose, no matter how hard I practice to defeat it. It won't even come to a result. Because I don't guard my heart, that is how my heart is stolen and now is falling. It's always, have, and been falling in every battle. What was I supposed to do? I can't guard my heart over something that I wasn't supposed to defend in the first place. Was I?
Was I supposed to protect myself from my surroundings? Was I supposed to do the right thing and just surrender? I'm not a fighter for battles, unless that means to fight for who I love and what I want to protect. I'm not a defender for something that's strong enough to fend itself, unless it means that it's weak and in need of my help. But I'm not a rightful opponent that is even worth to fight or defend for because now, you know that I will fall, to no matter who or what the character is.
I've been, and always been having these feelings when something good happens, and its only a matter of time when it goes away. I always hope for the best in anything that I know isn't going to happen, but that's just me. I say something, but I don't really do anything about it. It makes me mad about the whole thing. But the real problem is that I can't stop myself. I'll believe in it, and in the next second, I just have to wait and I have to think it all the time. When something like far away things happen, I always try to be good, even though if I don't want to, because I want what I hope to happen happen... Does that make sense? I doubt it does to you, but that is just me and stuff. So what am I going to do about this?
I want that feeling to go away, cause either way, if I find out that it isn't going to happen, or that it will, it's just going to make a difference in my life, and I think that is the only purpose for it. What am I trying to say here? That I want something good happen, not happen? No. I want the good thing to happen, and that is why I can't stop myself from hoping for it to come. But the thing is, it takes awhile for this feeling to leave. When the good thing already happened, I won't get over it after a few days or maybe a couple weeks. That is just how I am. Weird huh? Well, the thing is that I want to keep this feeling and a little not. There is already things that I hate about myself. And now that I think about it, a feeling isn't much as bad as it would really be. I would mind keeping this. The only fact that bothers me is the fact that I would hurt myself in keeping this feeling. I know that it sounds crazy and crap, but I would just throw that away right now.
I want to keep this feeling. because if I don't, sometimes I feel that I might lose the memory of why I kept hoping for it and stuff. I want to keep this because it is a part of me that you, or I can't even change. But I can't keep this because its making my heart feel so heavy. Once I know that the good thing that happened is now over, I won't forget it, but then again, I would still hope that it would happen again. See how stupid and emotional I get? But that still won't change who I am. I get angry at myself for changing me. You and maybe everyone around you hate something about themselves. I know, cause I have friends who do all the time. But doing that so makes me feel guilty, because we get this from our parents. And that makes me feel like I don't want to be my parents daughter or son. But whatever...
I truly, do want to make this feeling go away just right now. Because all I am doing is getting obsessed over the fact that I still like him, and I won't get that out of my mind. I won't ever get it out, because it's what I and who I like. But what am I supposed to do? My heart feels heavy because he hurt me, but that is something different. I feel heavy inside my heart, like I don't have enough strength to carry it. I feel so cowardly, because it feels like that I lost a game. A game of love. A game that, if you fall for it, then you lose. That's a battle that I always lose, no matter how hard I practice to defeat it. It won't even come to a result. Because I don't guard my heart, that is how my heart is stolen and now is falling. It's always, have, and been falling in every battle. What was I supposed to do? I can't guard my heart over something that I wasn't supposed to defend in the first place. Was I?
Was I supposed to protect myself from my surroundings? Was I supposed to do the right thing and just surrender? I'm not a fighter for battles, unless that means to fight for who I love and what I want to protect. I'm not a defender for something that's strong enough to fend itself, unless it means that it's weak and in need of my help. But I'm not a rightful opponent that is even worth to fight or defend for because now, you know that I will fall, to no matter who or what the character is.
