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I can't help but think. 'What if I am making all the wrong choices?'
Could it be that everything I do or say is making my life more difficult?

Or maybe it is the complete opposite.
Perhaps I am making life easier for me, just not at this moment.
Or maybe my life wouldn't change at all if I did or did not do something.

I would probably be dead now if not for a few people.
Some I have never met and some I have know my entire life. I thank those people and would do anything to help them if they ask it.

But even with their help, I often ask myself what would suicide be like.
If I had given up and taken that road would my afterlife be better? Or would I spend the rest of eternity facing the same problems and deepening my wounds.

I have taught myself not to give up and to keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. To keep going no matter what drags at my feet but I can't help but wonder,
is what Im doing really worth it? Or am I just spinning my wheels as some cruel joke for some higher being?

Im probably just put on this earth to spend my days anticipating death.
For isn't that the true destiny of all who live. To die?

Ah. But the real way to die is to die with a purpose. Instead of just fading away.

I will make a purpose for myself and live by it. No matter what.