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Why does my heart hurt?
I think about him constantly. He has not left my thoughts in over a week. And he 'hates being single.'
I'm not sure how to respond to that. Yes, California and Delaware. Yes, internet. Yes, I know the complications that both of these things imply.
So warum verletzt mein Herz?
I don't know why. I am sad, and confused. I thought this was at least 'something'. Not just sex. That's not what I think, anyway.
I know that he is not like that. I know this. I know I am more than likely overreacting. But since he is not here to talk about it, and I do not want to bother him when he is sleeping, what more can I do? I can only put my thoughts and feelings down as I think and feel them.
I once heard that there is no meaning without touch. Yet recently I encountered a couple on the internet. They had met 4 years ago on gaia, and are currently engaged to be married.
I do not expect marriage, of course. I don't care. I just want this weight to be taken from my chest. This feeling... there are tears in my eyes as I write this, and it feels as though I cannot get enough air. I can't breath fast enough. My chest is hitching so I can't inhale. I am trying to stay calm. I cannot cry. I will not. He does not need that on his mind.
But what about my mind? What about the security I get from just seeing his 'online' status? How can I be 'safe' if I have this weighing on my mind?
He steals my heart, more and more each day. He possesses it, wrapped around his finger. Aphrodite has shown me again what power the heart holds, and I embrace her. And I embrace this pain, much as it eats at me.
I don't want to stay silent about this. I can't. If there is always this weighing on my mind, then what will I do? Will I destroy whatever 'this' is as completely as I have in the past? Or will this matter be cleared away, and we will be much the wiser from it? There is, of course, the possibility of mutual breaking, but I don't want to consider that right now. I don't ever want to consider it, though Aphrodite stays by my side, telling me that all things are possible.
And the one person I have never hidden anything from, the one that I would most love to have for her support, she can't know this. She can't know what all of this means. I know what she'll say already, and I don't want to hear it.
I know that this is difficult, and I know that I am insane for wanting it. I'm sadistic; what can I say? None of this is intentional, but just like my entry Titles and Trains, this is a straight run-on of my thoughts. I can't very well accomplish much with this all bottled up inside, can I? I need to be able to think clearly.
Ha, I tried so hard. Imagine that though, I'm crying. You were right, Kay. I cry too easily.