Yup, thats what I am. So long story short way back when Kirk and I first went out I cheated on him with a guy named Jamie. Then Kirk and I broke up and later the relationship I had with Jamie ended. I also had a fling with this guy I cannot name because he was and still is with another woman when I did stuff with him. Ya I know...I was SO stupid when I was a few years younger. I had no self-respect and I was depressed and a slut and ya LOL Everything was going down hill.
Then Kirk came back into my life and everything started to get better. No everything was and is awesome. The only thing he wanted (and resonably so) was to stop talking to Jamie and to the other nameless guy (before we started dating again I told him everything that had happened, I wanted a fresh start) which I agreed to. After a few months I started to talk to them again...I was lonely and wanted someone to talk to - stupid excuse I know. I told Kirk, he flipped out (no da) and we settled I wouldn't talk to them again.
In the end I talked to them again and told Kirk. Now he's given me one more chance (lord knows why but thank god). So I'm taking this chance and holding onto it. Kirk has shown me I am strong, I don't need to talk to those guys..even if I am lonely. Even if I need people to talk to and people to make me laugh and feel better - I can find someone else. I can be strong.
So I deleted their phone numbers, their e-mails, their MSN contacts...and sadly I haven't told them why or even that I have deleted them. Jamie may read this journal and if he does - Im sorry. Kirky to me it was you or him and he wins, he always does. I love him with all of my soul.
I hope they both have awesome lives and I wish the best for them. I hate having to cut ties like this but I shound't have been talking to them in the first place. I feel stupid and retarded and just plain...ya ******** dumb. I don't deserve Kirk but I am going to be spending the rest of our lives making it up to him. From now on...no old flames or boyfriends.
I hate myself but I want to be someone Kirk can be proud of, someone I know I am but is just lost and confused right now. I can do this. I can be who I wanna be ^.~
-le sigh- I'm glad I got all this crap off my chest x.x
 Tama is in my Soul · Sun Jul 20, 2008 @ 03:49am · 2 Comments |
