I've been thinking about it lately. . . I've always looked forward to highschool and growing up and being on my own. But now that I'm about 3 years away from that independance, I'm worried. . . About alot of things actually.
Like achivement things: Will I be able to graduate? Will I get a driver's license? Will I get a job? Will I make it into college? Will I pass my exit exams? Things that I don't feel like I'm ready to be worrying about, really. I know I'm only a sophmore but I feel like it's all coming at me so fast and if I make one mistake, that would lead to a bad grade, which leads to making up a class, and if I don't make it up, I miss it and don't graduate and I'm a failure. Or if I don't understand my class and I just barley slide by? [I don't remember where I heard it but something said that I was a perfectionist and that a perfectionist is just someone still striving for their parent's approval. . . sounds about right.]I know I wouldn't be pleasing my dad enough. He won't be proud of me and. . . then what? And what if I'm doing my absoulte best and it's not good enough? Not good enough for a good college or for a good job. I wont be able to live on my own and I'll end up living with my parents for who knows how long. . . End up fat and alone like my uncle. He didn't move out of his parent's house til he was 30 somthin'.
It's all so close! Like I'll get one summer job and BOOM! It'll lead to another job, a bigger better job with more money. . . Then I'll have enough to buy a place to stay and before I know it I'm on my own. That's super fast if you ask me. Everyone I know says that their highschool years went buy real quick . . . that in itself is what scares me. And if I try to dodge this life that's speeding at my face, then I'll be looked down upon like I wouldn't be able to face that life even if I wanted to.
It's like my childhood and I have been moving forward together into "adulthood", it's my friend and it's been holding my hand the whole way, and suddenly highschool comes and my childhood falls behind. And I can't stop and let it catch back up with me cause I'm being pushed in the other direction by parents and teachers and the entire rest of society that says in these 4 short years, you're supposed to find yourself and define yourself and become who you are. . . to become an adult. eek
I know getting your highschool diploma is a big accomplishment. . . huge. . . But to be completely honest, I don't like watching my friends and cousins and everyone graduate and take off. Cause that means that I'm that much closer, too, and I'm dragging my nails on the ground hoping it wont hit me so fast. I want to enjoy highschool. . . not stress over my future.
What's worse. . . in an extremely selfish way. . . I am not looking forward to my friend, Denise's, graduation. By then I'll have no friends left in highschool. . . It's just me and the giant scary tests and the college prep and all the things that the junior and senior year put you through (not that I'd have any personal experience). I don't like watching her pull her hair out cause of AP Exams and SATs and visiting colleges and writing what seems like millions of important essays. I like the Denise that will have a good time and play Halo with me and ride around outide dressed as who knows what on some loser 'rip stick' that neither of us can ride. XD
But according to stupid highschool, that's not gonna be the same for long. I'm sure she'll get into some amazing college cause she's so smart, and while she's off becoming even more brilliant, I'm stuck in my puny school being eaten alive before being spit out into the real world to join all the others.
I guess all I can do for now is. . . work hard in school. . . spend time with my friends while I still got 'em. . . and hopefully slow down and pay attention to what's happening right in front of my nose while I'm passing by on my way down this long yet oh-so-short road people call Life. . .
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Like achivement things: Will I be able to graduate? Will I get a driver's license? Will I get a job? Will I make it into college? Will I pass my exit exams? Things that I don't feel like I'm ready to be worrying about, really. I know I'm only a sophmore but I feel like it's all coming at me so fast and if I make one mistake, that would lead to a bad grade, which leads to making up a class, and if I don't make it up, I miss it and don't graduate and I'm a failure. Or if I don't understand my class and I just barley slide by? [I don't remember where I heard it but something said that I was a perfectionist and that a perfectionist is just someone still striving for their parent's approval. . . sounds about right.]I know I wouldn't be pleasing my dad enough. He won't be proud of me and. . . then what? And what if I'm doing my absoulte best and it's not good enough? Not good enough for a good college or for a good job. I wont be able to live on my own and I'll end up living with my parents for who knows how long. . . End up fat and alone like my uncle. He didn't move out of his parent's house til he was 30 somthin'.
It's all so close! Like I'll get one summer job and BOOM! It'll lead to another job, a bigger better job with more money. . . Then I'll have enough to buy a place to stay and before I know it I'm on my own. That's super fast if you ask me. Everyone I know says that their highschool years went buy real quick . . . that in itself is what scares me. And if I try to dodge this life that's speeding at my face, then I'll be looked down upon like I wouldn't be able to face that life even if I wanted to.
It's like my childhood and I have been moving forward together into "adulthood", it's my friend and it's been holding my hand the whole way, and suddenly highschool comes and my childhood falls behind. And I can't stop and let it catch back up with me cause I'm being pushed in the other direction by parents and teachers and the entire rest of society that says in these 4 short years, you're supposed to find yourself and define yourself and become who you are. . . to become an adult. eek
I know getting your highschool diploma is a big accomplishment. . . huge. . . But to be completely honest, I don't like watching my friends and cousins and everyone graduate and take off. Cause that means that I'm that much closer, too, and I'm dragging my nails on the ground hoping it wont hit me so fast. I want to enjoy highschool. . . not stress over my future.
What's worse. . . in an extremely selfish way. . . I am not looking forward to my friend, Denise's, graduation. By then I'll have no friends left in highschool. . . It's just me and the giant scary tests and the college prep and all the things that the junior and senior year put you through (not that I'd have any personal experience). I don't like watching her pull her hair out cause of AP Exams and SATs and visiting colleges and writing what seems like millions of important essays. I like the Denise that will have a good time and play Halo with me and ride around outide dressed as who knows what on some loser 'rip stick' that neither of us can ride. XD
But according to stupid highschool, that's not gonna be the same for long. I'm sure she'll get into some amazing college cause she's so smart, and while she's off becoming even more brilliant, I'm stuck in my puny school being eaten alive before being spit out into the real world to join all the others.
I guess all I can do for now is. . . work hard in school. . . spend time with my friends while I still got 'em. . . and hopefully slow down and pay attention to what's happening right in front of my nose while I'm passing by on my way down this long yet oh-so-short road people call Life. . .
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