Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I really do.

when I woke up this morning I wanted to put on make up and my tight pants, and jacket...

Rebecca wouldn't mind, but I know I would later....

but for reals it's not just the asthetic things, but the way I feel.

I started thinking about my life yesterday when I was at Mell's house for some reason.

And I realized how good I've had it with everything...

I've experienced the good, and bad things in life.

in love and in life..

in love.... my love life sucked untill I met Rebecca.

either I was never even aproched(sp?) by girls...

I mean not at all...

or it's like right before I met Rebecca.

Where it's like: i've gone out with so many girls, I dont really even remember their

names.... I suppose none of you who read this know what that feel like...

but yes Mell... it's worse than not having anyone at all...

it feels like: "Wow... i've gone out with all of them?......and I've still not met the one for me?"

"maybe i'm too pathetic in all actuallity... maybe there isn't one out there for me at all?"

"how shallow can I be if I cant even remember their names?!"

it makes words like "monster", and "Robert" (really long story... but it's really really really really really really really really really bad..."
run through your head ever other second...

it horrible knowing that if I really am good looking, that people only like me because of that...

I don't base relationships off of looks... why would I want someone who does just that?!

it's a horrible feeling.......

yes... it's worse than not having anyone at all...

because i've gone through that too...

when you talk to the opposite sex and all they doo is look at you and smile that

"get the hell away from me" smile.... you know the one...

well yeah...

when you catch people staring at you, and you know it's not because of the fact that I"m good looking...

even if I am good looking, it only developed recently...

I think that's why I don't say that i'm pretty, or handsome, or anything like that...

because it's so new to me that I can't acctually beleive that...

i've always been called things like "fat, ugly, depressing, annoying, stupid, etc..."

the list goes on for a while, but you get the point...

being called things like that all your life. Being told those things strait to your face...

it hurts, and after all that, people all of a sudden start to call me pretty..... no... just no...

well I think this might be enough emo for one day....

or maybe not... i'll see when i'm home from school...

f**k......

well yeah.....................-____________-

*sigh*

I wanna go like walk into traffic...

and really the only reason I don't.... is because I know it would upset Rebecca...

Rebecca you are my teather to this life...

if you stop loving me.... please just lie to me untill I leave this place....