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Outcast
No matter what I do, I just feel like I'm an outcast. I desperately want to fit in, somewhere, where I'm surrounded by people I know, closely. People I'm comfortable around. I know I must belong somewhere, don't I? For some unknown reason, I can't bring myself to socialize. Any two people, under the right circumstances, can be friends. Right? I feel alone, isolated, I know I must have brought this upon myself, but I feel like there's nothing I can do. I laugh, I talk, but in the end those are just primitive feelings, or feelings of surprise. Can such primitive feelings or surprise really bring up a good friendship?
As strange as this sounds, I have to write this to know I'm in control of my life, to know I exist, and to know I coexist. I have to know that my body is my own, my mind in sink with it. I'm going mad, and somehow I know I've felt this feeling before. My solitude isn't sad, my isolation feels hatred and anguish, I feel jealousy and hate rather then sadness.
I don't value anything anymore, everything is just another trinket or award. I think I'm becoming a cynic. Its depressing, isn't it? The idea that nothing has value. Money is a tool used for survival, survive for life, a worthless life. The thought that death is nothing more then an eternal slumber. Perhaps if I were to die, I would wake from nightmare, and find that this was all an elaborate dream.
It's so very human to fear the darkness, yet, so very inhuman to call for it.
I don't want to feel this, and I don't want a wide number of people to know.Whoever reads this, comes across it by luck. Somehow the idea that someone might be reading about me makes me feel good, somehow.
Why do I feel the way I do? Is this normal? Am I human?
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