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I feel like I need to rant. And I apologize Mi-chan if this end up upsetting you.


Sometimes it feel like people want WAAAAY to much of me. People who don't even really like me, want me to change so that they can like me. If you arn't going to like well, well daaaaaaarn, my life is RUINED.. People have also tried to change the way I think. *No offence to you Mi-chan your trying to help me* I have to be their little clones. I have also noticed recently the way I act. I have noticed that I act like bits and pieces of my friends. One person acts this way to something and I see it. Later it ends up becoming part of how I act. I don't really like that. People think I am copying other by doing so, but please tell me if anything is original any more. It feels like I started carrying a box that was simi-ful of my stuff, then I ment this person and they added some of their things. So on and on, now my box is getting to heavy. It is either going to break or I will drop it. I only have so much patience. I am only a human with to many issuse to count. I hate being told that I have no idea how something feels. For all the person know I could have gone through something almost exactly like that! *Again no offence to you Mi-chan* If I go off of my friend's idea of a friend, I only have 3. Her idea is that you talk to them outside of school, you hang out with them and other things. Only 3 peopel will even talk to me outside of school. I get so emotional that after a while people stop even trying to help or talk to me. I have been really down of late and I have ben really, really, really trying my hardest to be happy again. It almost feels like I have forgotten what it feels like. So when it happens I miss it. Another thing I REALLY hate is when one person tells me one thing and tells someone else something completly different. For Example. I will ask someone if i could hang out with them or something and they will tell me "No sorry, I can't I am going to be busy all day after school." And then they fight tooth and nail to get a diferent friend to hang out with them. I pretend it doesn't hurt until I am in the safty of my room. Then I cry. No one seems to believe that either. No Ame isn't human. Not at all. She can't possibly be feeling emotions. People like her don't feel these things. Well sorry world I am human straight through. I may not freaking be you cup of tea but I am still here and It would be better for me and you if you treat me as if I am human as well. I also really hate when I do something wrong I have to apologize immediatly, yet when others do it to me, no we don't need to apologize to her. Why would we do that? She doesn't mind. She doesn't get mad or do anything about it. Well sherlocks that is because I want to be a good person. I hate being an a**. If that is how I wanted to be I would have absoutly NO friends. I would have kick over half of their asses. Only one person seems to think about me sometimes. That is sad. Only one. Out of the 9 I hang with at school and only one treats me like I am simi-human. Something else that really really upsets me is when pople invite me to their house "hang out" with them, but when I get there, they ignore me as if I wasn't even there. It has happened afew times and it has made me so sad to the point of tears. See I am too emotional for my own good. It just makes me sad. And with the way I was raised I wont say a damn thing. So it looks like I am getting upset about nothing. People tend to trie of hanging out with me as well. And that makes me sad as well. Yes, I know I have hung out with one person so much it is almost like I have taken control of his life and go "Hey! Hang out with me or I will be upset with you for a long time." I don't want it to be that way. So I am thinking of just not hanging out with him after school or for the weekends for a while. Give him a break from my annoying presence.*I am being mean to my self here. I am not saying it is true* I really hate how my parents think I am a perfect child and when I do something wrong it is the end of the freaking world! I can not do the inhuman just for them. Or anybody for that matter. I am only HUMAN. As a lot of people seem to forget. I bottle all of my little and petty emotions up to the point of where it is tearing me up inside. It isn't good for me. Someday it will burst and it will not be pretty. Some of it has leaked out and you know what happened? Half of our house is being remolded. I broke about half our house. I am a dangerous person to hang out with. Unless I honest to god love you, you will not be safe from my anger. Some people are just pushing my F U Button to the point of where they hit it a few more times, I will beat the living day lights out them. I hate how people act like my best friend in the whole wide world, and then they tell the truth to other people who end up telling me. And you know what I do? NOTHING. I don't do a damn thing. I don't even lift a finger to stop them. You know why? I don't believe it would be fair for me to do anything. What if the person who told me wasn't telling the truth either. What if they were only telling me this to get mad at this other person because they love to watch drama unfold and happen because of them. Well to bad I don't want to play by their rules. It agrvates them and they keep telling me all the things someone else said. Well hello! I am not stupid. I end up finding out what that said person said and didn't say later. What is the point of causing any trouble? I only let people see a very very small part of what I really am. Because I am deathly afraid of rejection. To open myself up completely with no safety measures at all, and then to be rejected would cause the up most and deadly pain for me. Yes I know I have a very high pain tolreance. That is for physical pain. Phyiscal pain is almost like nothing compared to the emotional pain I go through each and everyday. My mind picks at it and it never heals or goes away. My mind says to me "look. Look at what she did. Or looked at how he treated you. This will happen again. Pull out not. Leave people behind and just be alone. It is safer." I want friends. I want to be an outgoing person. I want to be so many things that I can be because I have been broken so many times. There are just too many chuncks of my heart missing. It has been shattered so many times that some pieces just turnd to powder. I can't fix them but I can try to move on and learn from my past and try again. Hoping this time there will be less pain. But it will never really go away. Sometimes, I just feel so alone... Yes there are thoes who understand me and give their apologis... but is that enough? I need something more than just a sad smile and someone saying sorry. I need more. but who would be willing to put up with me? For life? Is someone willing to deal with all my faluts and try to work them out and help me live a better life with them? Is there someone willing to stay with me until I can't breath any more? Until my dying breath? Or will they just leave me too? To put their own mark upon my already damaged heart.Will someone want broken goods?