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Angsty time.

As stated a few entries back, I have a huge gaping black hole as far as memories go. And whil I am positive of some traumatizing expierences from a certain boy I used to hang out with when I was, like, 10, I am not sure about this other time.

I figured if I wrote it down, it might allow me to discern if it is indeed real or not.

Perhaps it is the constant TATU I've been listening to on loop, or the fact that a good friend is ignoring me again, but something in me is telling me to plea for attention again, so I might as well get it over and done with.

I think I was eleven. It had to be between then and 16, because my mom still had a Chevy Blazer. It couldn't be after 15.

If there's anything in this "made up" memory that I remember most it was the Chevy Blazer.

It is red. One of those glossy, sparkly, darker reds. I can remember pressing my palms hard into the black plastic ontop of the bumper thing below where the trunk opened, and I remember my back pushing back against the keyhole, that, since the trunk was locked, made a noise.

But considering the panicked state I was in, it felt like a gunshot, and the car was like a wall.

I had run to my home from Shawn's. I forget what his last name is. He still lives here, and I still hate him. I had been walking by his house for some reason.. I can't remember what. Maybe it was from just playing with Gracie and Trey, but regardless, Shawn was on his high hill of a driveway with a huge rifle.

Now that I think about it, this is helping. Before I thought it was a real gun. Writing it makes me think it was just a BB Gun.

I stopped and looked up at him, and he brought that rifle to his shoulder, gave that evil smile of his, and pulled the trigger.

I don't really remember if he hit me or not, but I ran for my house and he ran after me, shots firing the whole way.

Finally, I was in my garage, pushed against that blazer. I don't know why I didn't go inside.. Maybe I did, later. But when I was pushed against the blazer, afraid and cornered, Shawn too his gun and shot me point blank in the stomach.

Why did I freeze up? Why didn't I do anything? This is why I think I made it all up in my mind.
Another excuse to say "I have suffered more than you have!"

But I remember... Bleeding, and going to the hospital. Vaguely remember the hospital. I don't remember anything between point blank shooting and hospital, though.

I don't even remember why I even went to the hospital. So many things don't add up, but why would I make up a memory out of nowhere?

I don't think Shawn even has a BB Gun... I know he formed a gang, and they had popguns.. Maybe I am somehow fusing memories together and adding things?

Who knows. I'm really screwed up in the head.

Sometimes I wish I could keep my mouth shut about everything and not blow up.
I know I can keep my mouth shut, but it all comes out later in panic attacks, so I might as well blurt it out now than suffer a stupid attack..

I wish I were like Nan. She has worse depression than all three of us, and she is able to never talk about it.