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So I'm in a truth spell.
And what I said yesterday(Was it yesterday?) Was bending of the truth.
A lie by omission, as it were.

For clarification to you all, I am one of the Attention Whores of the Depression community. If I ever say I'm going to kill myself through the journal, or anything, really, aside from casual conversation, such as "Yeah, I'm going to kill myself at 50. You were saying?" I AM MANIPULATING YOU.

So I am very appreciative after I get logical again when nobody replies to my attention whoring when I whip about suicidal/crazy stories.

Don't question all my journals, though. I don't think I've ever outright lied in a journal. I have, in my sincere confession, actually tried to kill, and rape people. I have, actually in confession, have had bouts of kleptomania that led me to sweating and almost neuroligical breakdowns. And I have, in my confession, mentally abused and manipulated friends and children. I won't deny that, but you don't see me making huge journal entries about it most of the time. because when I'm attention whoring, I do it by eirther being suicidal, or mimicking what other people had done in the past that I found "cool" or "interesting".

Such as with last entry.

Last entry, I lied by omission. If you noticed, the only mention of drunkenness was in the title.

"Whether it was from what I had done, or not eating anything, I'm not sure" was a line to make you think that "What I had done" meant getting drunk.

I'm sure if you analyze what I say from time to time, I stretch the truth.

What actually happened the day I siad I'd get drunk, went more like this:

Got up at 8, to take Sarah to Swim practice. We went at 9. Came home at 10. I was tired from being kept up all night by Pam. I let Sarah be on the computer while I slept.
Pam slept in until 11 something, and finally left for work at 12ish. I was halfasleep most of the time.
I forced Sarah off the computer at noon and made myself get up. We worked on hemp bracelets, I think. Not too sure. I think I read a lot. Don't remember much.

At 2:30, I allowed Sarah to get on the computer again so I could sleep. Sarah's only supposed to be allowed on the computer two hours a day, one hour at a time. She already had two in one go, and frankly, as long as I got sleep, I didn't care what she did.

At 3:30, I told her to get off to go to the dentist. We went, and when we got back at 5, she had not gotten off the computer but had instead put everything(IMs and all) on "away". This pissed me off, so I told her to get off the computer. I said I might have let her on again had she actually gotten off the first time, but since she didn't, she was done for the rest of the day.

She went crazy. She's only 10 and way over-obsessed with the internet. She physically fought me to stay on. I had to do what I said in the last entry: take out the power supply and chuck it somewhere.

I never yelled at her, just talked to her sternly, but I did have to physically pull her out of a chair, pick her up, toss her on the ground, and drag her across the hall.
Almost popping her shoulder and breaking her arm were mere fantasies on my behalf. I'm sure I could had I wanted to, but I probably never would break anything unless provoked in a heinous manner. The fantasies come from me being sado-masochist and also trying to grip with some really bad sexual tension.

Everything after that, including the "sobering up" part is true, and not stretched.
I'm sorry for my attention whoreage.

Being able to psychologically assess my own situations has put me into a more awkward position than most. I always find it confusing that I know why I am doing something and for what purpose, but am unable to stop myself from the stupid things I do.

Today, I really was going to get drunk. I planned it out intricately. But it seemed that my parents, since I was actually home, instead of at work where the vodka is, had finally thrown away the wine they were keeping.

They liked the design on the bottle. It was the only reason they'd kept it. Company kept coming over also, and were dropping off wine and beer as well. My family doesn't drink, but we were too lazy to throw anything away so we kept them.

When I came home yesterday, and looked for the alcohol today, I literally threw a fit. I cussed and kicked the wall a few times, but was too tired and exausted from yesterday's babysitting(read: feigning having fun) to actually do something to reduce my stress level.

I'm an idiot because I don't know what to do with the brains I am actually capable of using.