 |
random angst...
Since no one really reads this anyways, I'm not going to even bother putting it on private. I will admit that I have been very depressed. I'm never in the mood to see my friends, so I hardly ever see them. I was super involved with work over the summer, and now I go there twice a week, for a few hours, so now I feel completely uninvolved. I feel like I suck as a coach, because I'm always messing up, and the girls keep getting little teeny injuries because of me. They usually go away by the end of practice though. I can't keep them under control very well either. I need HELP with them! But I don't always get that. I need a coach with more experience to help me learn.
I'm not sure how my grades are. I really don't feel motivated at all to do well in school. I hate it. I want to change my major but I'm afraid to. Last time I brought this up to my counslor, I thought she was going to yell at me. She made me feel like I was a moron. I don't like feeling like that. I really don't like science anymore. Aren't you supposed to enjoy your major? Isn't it supposed to be something you want to do? I'm thinking I'll change to secondary education in math. I like math. A lot.
I'm tired of being stood up by guys, and I'm tired of the guys I end up likeing turning out to be gay. I want someone, a boyfriend, to say that I'm beautiful, and I'm special, and I'm loved. I've never had anyone like that. Never. I'm all alone. And it hurts, a lot. Sometimes, I just want to sit in a corner and cry. But I don't. Whenever I see two people in love, I'm secretly really jealous of them. But I'm too afraid to go out there and make myself available. I don't want to be hurt. I wish my first kiss wasn't to my a*****e neighbor. He said I was beautiful, but I know he was lying. Especially since the last time we were going to hang out, he stood me up. So why should I think he was telling the truth.
I'm tired of seeing my sister living her life so well. It's not fair. I know I have no right to be jealous of her, but I am. She has so many guys that like her, easily. She has a greeat sense of style, and she knows how to make herself look good. She complains she's fat, but she's not. Sure, she weighs more than me. But at least she doesn't weigh 150 or something. she's really pretty, and she needs to see that about herself. I just want to slap her everytime she says she's fat.
Going to see my psychiatrist isn't helping, because what I'm depressed about is not something I want to talk to a stranger about. I'm too scared to flirt with guys, cause I'm afraid they'll think I'm weird, or ugly. Or a loser. So i end up acting like a complete loser anyways. I'm way too nervous to talk to a guy by myself. I don't really like sociallizing much. But I know that in the future, I'm going to hate that I didn't go out and try.
I really want to stop going to school. I would much rather teach gymnastics. I always feel really great when i teach a kid how to do a skill. Cause i know I've made an impact in their lives. i love teaching, but I hate learning. Why can't my prince charming just bump into me someday and fall in love with me. I'm not ugly. Why can't anyone see that? I just want someone to hold me when i'm sad, to say they love me, and that i am special to them. I want to be charished. I hate being alone. And yet i always am...
I'm tired of being a financial burden to my parents. I just don't feel ready to be in school. Why can't I take a year off to pull myself together?
Why am I so depressed? Even when I take anti-depressants... sweatdrop
|
 |
Community Member