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Written yesterday night. On paper. Before I went to bed.
I was crying while I wrote it...
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My tailbone started acting up again. Last time, I could hardly walk. But it was during summer, I think, so when I slouched and was in pain all the time, I didn't have to deal with school. Now I do. I can't help but think the only two days of that left, now. Two days until the parental hell I come home to and the two jobs, one of which I hate with a passion although I haven't even started it, yet.

Long a go, I said I was losing IQ points a little every day, and it was bugging me to a fault. I brought it up when I broke down, twice, but nobody ever gave it a second thought.
When I went to the neurologist, he said I was getting distracted easily because I was too preoccupied with Carpal Tunnel causing my hands ot shake. I thought he was an idiot, but secretly said it could be a possibility, and ironically, I ignored any dumb things I did.

But lately, it's been getting to be too much. I am tumbling over words and pernounciations like a fool. I forget what word I was going to use right before saying it. I will pause now and because I forget how to say "despondency" I have to come up with some phrase like "Not happy" while groping in the dark for any one-word solutions that mean more.

Today I saw "The Interepreter". It made me realize this all again. The main character said she kept a book of interesting words. She even had a favorite word.

I have a favorite word. But I forgot what it is.

I think it starts with a "D" but I know it's synonomous with empathy. I think it's also when you instinctively know something. I think it ends in a "Y". No. After a whole day of groping for it, it popped in.

Discernment.
That's my favorite word.

I remember, a long time a go, before I proposed, I woke up one Sunday morning and when I put my glasses on, everything still looked the same. It was all still blurry.
When I think back on people asking me what I'm afraid of, the answer never comes to me. It never did until that Sunday morning.

I am afraid of going blind.

I panicked. I got my fiance-to-be on the phone. I was crying like a madwoman and saying between sobs I was going blind, I couldn't see. "How can you say it'll go away?! You're lying!" things like that.
I had never been so emotional.
But my vision cleared up while we were talking, and I can still hear him in my head when I get emotional. He always says, "Yer not goin' blind," in some weird, sympathetic, yet sighing-in-annoyance-from-being-woken-up-by-a-long-distance-call. I can hear him right now.

But the whole point of that story was, I'm not an emotional person. And now I am. I start to cry at every little thing. My lip quivers whenever some sappy music comes on. I hate it. It annoys me. I think the meds are doing it, but the only way to get away from them is by getting away from my parents.

And to do that, I'd need to drop everything and run. I'm a coward. I can't do that.

I had a total emotional meltdown once. And a very important friend of mine was there. I said I was checking myself into an insanitarium. All of the sudden, he gives me his address and says "Write me".
That made me cry more.
To think, this guy so paranoid as to not even give his phone number to his lover, this guy who already had a stalker, would trust me with his physical address.

I didn't save it. I don't know what I did wrong reallly, but he doesn't trust me anymore. He said "... and I don't want to be associated with someone like you."
I grit my teeth and bore it for two days. Then I called Crafty. And as I broke down into tears, I begged her to tell me what I had done wrong.

She told me.

I called her again a few nights later. She said she was at her mom's and would call me back. It's been a week. I haven't heard from her.

Maybe I did something else wrong.

The whole reason I called was to learn more about being nicer. I mean, Jack's a lost cause now, but I can still try to improve for others. Bare it and move on, right?

Well. It was vividly pointed out today that I don't know 4 + 7.

Every second I'm alive, my IQ drops.

I don't think I'll last through two jobs.
I don't think I'll last through Summer.
I don't think I'll last through this weekend.
I might not even last through tonight....

"Yer not goin' blind"...