Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

OKAY i understand this is my second entry today which is sick and pathetic but i want to talk to some one who cares and that doesnt work at 1 am. I feel used pathetic i kow i am using people and thats equally as pathetic. I adore Adam I mean he means the world to me so WHY is it becoming more and more pressistant these thoughts" What if, How could we, What if he" I mean its a mess Ian said he would call and i am near wearing the floor thin waiting for the phone to ring. I want to hear from him. i mean Uhhh its hard to explain. its just one thing my mom said going over and over in my mind and it wasnt really a general statment it was directed at my boyfriend and well our relationship. She asked How much is he doing for me. What has he got to offer. and How much of this is one sided. I could go into detail as to What Adam does for me. He's always there. wether or not he cares at all about what i am saying. He was a sweetie when i met him .. he's right he's very apathetic. I am not really used to that but i want to fix that i mean Heh every one knows me i am overly emotional when it comes to any thing I mean COME ON here i am pouring my heart into something no one will ever read written up at a site that has cute little emoticons and little to no emotion nothing that goes on here is ever all that serious. Heh Last night all Adam could talk about was Gaia and the story here and his games. he couldnt talk to me. i was listening to him trying to understand why it was that every time he spoke to me it always ended up on his games. He said its cause thats Life for him Thats what he does. He buys me games to try and get me into just games he wants me to understand the things he adores. Its so well i mean i enjoy the games but the whole of well its like i am slowly being pulled into whats been draging him away from me.

Now i mean my goodness there is Ian. he is a great guy really i dont know where i would be with out him. He's so different from Adam. Ian cares, Alot. And he always shows how he feels he always tells me. He has been great i mean he doesnt go and buy me stuff he doesnt spend money out right on me, Instead he spends time with me he buys the small things like when we went for a drink he didnt want me to break a 10 when i didnt have to. He would take his break at work when i was off so he could drive me home and talk to me some.He didnt want me to get wet we HAD to drive the half a block to Mac's .. He always makes sure i am comfortable. I was crying one night and he found out. i remeber him asking permission to call me or to come over and see that i was alright. " This Is NOT the Amy i know. Please i want to see that your okay" I remeber i told him he wasnt allowed to call or come over. i was crying too hard i didnt want him to see me like that. I dont know maybe its just me being moody and all PMS'y but i really dont know what i would do with out Ian. Heh right now he's keeping me solid and logical. I am scared of what can happen from here i mean i already rely on him for conversation. He understands what i say. he reacts to me. He shows me he cares. I love Adam so much but its hurting me. in such weird ways i love talking to him cause we talk about things that mean nothing at all and its Just good to hear from him. i niss him so much. But i cant keep calling him. its costing me so much. As is i am looking forward to another 100$ bill. Its always me calling he wont spend the 5 dollars to go get a calling card and see that i am okay he wont just call me. it has to be set up and timed perfectly always late at night. He would rather spend the money on games.

Oh my gosh i am not ragging on him i KNOW he is trying to well be the best he can be but i miss him so much at least in person he didnt have to care so long as he was there after so i could get a hug and go to sleep knowing i was in fact in love with some one who loved me back. I guess i just wish Adam was like Ian i wish Adam cared a little more that he would pick up on the small things. ever heard the saying "a friend is a person who can see you smiling and know something is still wrong" I dont think Adam would ever be able to read me like that. Or if he did if he would care. Ian is always reading me i mean i can walk by while he's doing dishes and he will put up with Andrew yelling at him to see that i am okay to pat my back and make me smile. Wow one night and i am broken. yes BROKEN AND I BLAME ... i will blame chocolate. i mean i have eaten enough of it and ice cream.

Yeah its late i am Most definatly confuzed i dont know what direction i am going in. i know i am in love with Adam its just starting to hurt with my mother pointing out that i could very well be missing out on a great guy. I KNOW ian is great and maybe if things had been different 4 or was it 3 years ago i may very well have been head over heels for Ian but fact is i have made a commitment i plan to keep even if that means letting a great guy walk away from me with out a word. Heh wow i'm teary... not crying teary. I need to stop this i need to be normal and i need to smarten up. i need to lose weight i need to stop caring cause the more i care about what people think the more i eat and the more i gain weight.. Wow what a life. Well yeah .. thank goodness no one reads this. It makes no sence. too bad i still feel like s**t i wish it would go away. i really need some one here.

~Ames