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Dreams are a very fickle thing. And they are definitely a very expensive thing. You never know where you will end up in life. All you know is what you can do and what you think you're good at doing. The best thing in life, it would seem, is therefore to find your talents and pursue them relentlessly. But that only works if you know, or you at least feel, that you're good at something and if you believe in yourself. Many people who are reknowed professionals like Heroes actor Zachary Quinto have talked about how people have tried to dissuade them from their goals and how sometimes they have had to go on using blind faith - and they did fight their way to success. Once you find something you love and think you're good at, then you're going to have to believe in yourself and push yourself to excel even if you don't really think you're good at it and have to beat it into your head that you ARE. Remember - there are many, many people in the world who would never be able to sing or dance ballet at all. Being able to sing or dance is a rare talent to begin with. So go ahead and experience senior year - but be sure to take all of the standardized tests that are required of you. Study hard, and think hard about what you're good at. You often do not have to declare when you go into college. They understand your situation and can let you come in undeclared and take some time - you usually don't declare your major until 3rd year. And even after you declare a major you can change it if you don't want to do it anymore. Just remember to get INTO college first. That's what you have to think about now. And ultimately, that choice may have to be a compromise between what the family can afford and where you feel comfortable. I'm sure if you got into a big name school, your parents would be singing a different tune. Remember, names have clout in this society and no parents want to say "yeah, my child got into Duke/Rice/Harvard/Yale/Cal and we didn't let them go because we wanted to keep them close to us." Their coworkers and everyone else they knew would call them morons.

That sort of leads into the topic of careers and parents. Just because you're good at something doesn't really mean that you should make it a career and it is damned foolish of your parents to try to push you into doing this if it's not what you want to do. Take it from me. I am an Asian. This kind of business is commonplace among my people (thank God my parents don't do this) and guess what happens as a response? We kill ourselves. Have you ever wondered why the suicide rate among young Asians is so bloody high? It's often because of our parents lording their aspirations for us over us. Never forget - and make sure they understand - that though you may carry their genetic material you are not them and they are not you. They do not completely understand you and they never may understand you and they have no right to dare believe that they can dictate your future just because they "made" you.

Self-esteem is something that you can't just complain about not having. The best thing I can say about this is that you aren't born with it. You have to create it. You have to believe in yourself even if you have got to force yourself to believe in yourself by any sort of twisted logical means necessary. The world is a harsh world and there are always going to be people who think badly of you. The only way to get past them is to build up a defense - to truly believe that you're worthy of getting your way, that you're a good person with worthy talents to contribute - so that whatever they say or do won't stop you. I'm sympathetic to you here. I used to have rather low self-esteem as well. Being relatively alone, a Chinese, working class, not very good-looking, unathletic, a nerd, and an anime geek all conspired to make me an easy target for persecution by other people. I relied on my own pride in myself and in what I have done over the course of my life to resist. (Of course... I eventually took it too far, and that's why I won't ask you to use me as an example. I eventually got over other people hating me by learning to hate other people.)

I can't really give you any advice on love except for what already ties into the confidence issue. Some of the guys you got into relationships with turned out to be absolute jerks in the end - especially the one who tried to rape you. (Remind me to report him to the Police if I ever find out who he is, I'm sure the law will have some nice consequences for him.) You can't just give up hope that someone will be able to love you because, again, life is unpredictable. You never know - someone may be able to. Maybe the reason those guys didn't work out was because they were "too normal" or just plain stupid and couldn't appreciate the kind of person you are. If all they want is sex, if they only give a damn about some walking doll, then they're testosterone-overdosing gonad-driven morons and you shouldn't care about what they think of you any more. Instead, you should try to get better at judging people's personalities and prying out more about them to gather information about what the boy is like and whether it would be possible for the boy to appreciate the kind of person you are.

I know what you mean about being the "kind of person that people won't say 'I love you' to and mean it." It's happened to me before. The best thing I can tell you is to... I guess... get used to it or try to stop hurting about it for now and wait until the person arrives who can. He'll show up someday. You may have to wait a while. You're only seventeen, after all, and you never know the caliber of people that you'll find in college.

Oh, God, don't even get me started on ballet. That profession has been hated and ridiculed and protested against for AGES because of its unrealistic and damned unhealthy demands on young women - and men. It's amazing that you can dance like that but I would never pursue that career if they're demanding that you starve yourself to anorexic degrees. I'm sure there have been books written and movies made complaining about what the demands of the ballet field have done to ruin so many young women's lives. The best way to deal with that is to accept that the past is the past. I don't want to pursue a career in tennis, music, or karate, but I don't think that the thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands, of dollars my parents spent on me to teach me these things over the course of my childhood was drained or wasted because it broadened my horizons, taught me to appreciate different aspects of life and the world, influenced my tastes and values, and made me an all around better, more educated, and far more well-rounded person - and most likely helped boot me into the greatest public school on the face of the Earth as well (colleges love extracurriculars).

It's not a waste if you realize that maybe it's not the best career choice for you, but you can do it, and you're pretty damn good at it. It's still a unique skill of yours that millions of people around the world don't have and that no one can take away, and I'm sure it wasn't a completely negative influence on your personality or values. Who knows, maybe all of that grueling practice and training taught you to toughen up. And you're probably more flexible than the average human, especially the average girl, because of the practice you went through. And there are probably more benefits that you aren't aware of because all you can think about are your dreams of wanting to be a "star in NYC." Honey, many people never make it that far. The music industry is exclusive and cutthroat and being good often isn't good enough. You often have to know people as well. And once you're famous your privacy and independence is gone forever. You can't be a human being anymore and you're certainly not treated like one. I know I'll never be good enough to be a concert clarinetist or pianist but I deeply appreciate the fact that I am a musician nonetheless and that my training has given me a lifetime of good experiences. It is also part of how I dealt with people teasing me or trying to lower my self-confidence, because I knew that I could do something that none of them would ever be able to even if they tried.

Unfortunately, it seems that as you progress in life, you may be bound to make some enemies. The good thing about these people from the MMORPG you mentioned is that they probably live in other states or other parts of the world. They will never meet you in real life, nor will you ever meet them. And if they try to get close to you and you find out you can report it to the police and if they live in another country, maybe Interpol will get involved, they'll get arrested, and you'll get to be a real-life heroine. Learn to let things go and not dwell on your emotions so much, and instead to dwell on the things that have a chance in Hell of actually affecting you directly and heavily... if you worry too much about everything, especially about such things as a group of people who will never be able to hurt you in real life, you'll end up really hurting your own health. If you have to, then get off that game. You already said that it's addictive and it may not be good for you, right?

So, ultimately the point is that you have to dig yourself out of this hole. No one can help if you are not willing to throw off all of that doubt and realize that it's only your opinion of yourself that is keeping you down. If you have enough force of will to never stop believing that you're worthy and that you're smart and talented and that you can and will succeed if you apply yourself and don't let anything get in your way, then you'll get out of the hole in no time.

But about the boy. You've GOT to talk to him. It's better to just tell him than to sit here, wallow in your doubt and self-pity, and all the while not have any idea of what is going through his head and substituting for that by making your own opinions of what he is thinking of you, which, given your current frame of mind, will never be anything but negative. You have to trust him and accept the risk that he may extend his arms and help you or back off and freak. And if he backs off, f*** him for being an unmanly, ungallant, unchivalrous, cowardly stooge and not being willing to be there when you need him, for then you will know that his feelings mean nothing. If he doesn't and reaches out to you, then that's great - you've really got something going there that you probably should pursue. The point I am trying to make is that you have got to TAKE that risk and talk to him because otherwise you'll be stuck in a neverending repeating cycle of self-doubt and fear. I'm sure he would feel the same way if he knew what is going on.

I'm sorry this response is so long. I'm also sorry if I sound harsh or impatient with you in any parts of it. I only said what I thought was necessary to say in order to deal with what you're feeling, based upon my own experiences and what I have observed in countless other people with similar or the same problems.

You have a big heart. But in this world having a heart is not enough. You must have strength, too.