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Alright so I've been hanging around with Peter for the longest time (a month, maybe?) but it's been nonstop. He practically lived with me for a while there.
And on our roadtrip to his timeshare in Virginia, we got talking abotu past lives or whatever, and because it was so ******** hot in the bed(temperature wise, and we had seperate beds) I decided to take that time to pray and figure out wat my past life was once and for all.

All I got was this stupid image of a tree. And it's like. I was just watching all these years go by, and things happening under this tree, but even though all this time was passing so fast, it felt like no time was passing at all. Which was weird. But regardless.

I took that information a little hard. I mean, who the ******** REALLY want to be a tree in a past life? I felt a little insulted. It's been bothering me since then, and I wanted to talk to someone about it but nobody really thinks about that kind of stuff, so everyone I tried to talk about it with basically said they... didn't thinka bout it.

So the one longer conversation I had about the whole tree thing suggested I question it. Now, I'd been questioning the whole tree thing in my mind, but never like took it to the spirits or anything. So that night, I begged and pleaded and I said things like, "If you were in my position I would hope you would understand where I'm coming from" and such.

And I had another dream, but it was about some people and had nothing to do with trees. I remember I had a feeling of deja bu the entire time, that I had definately had this dream before, but other than that I have no idea what it was because I can't remember it, only that it was about people, I had it before, and I had the intense feeling it was a dream that meant nothing.

Since then, I've been smoking a lot more, feeling a lot more stressed and emo, I can't sleep for more than 30 minutes at a time, my arms periodically fall asleep for no reason, I'm talking stupider and less coherent(in spoken word, not typed) and just generally bad s**t.

It could be worse, of course, but this is "bad stuff" in the sense that it's killing my "feeling good even though my life sucks" status.

So I can't stop thinking that the spirits or just punishing me somehow because I had the gall to question them.

And it's like.. Wtf. I don't even understand what I believe in, so how am I supposed to learn from whatever they have to say in a punishment for me? WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

"Okay guyz, won't question you again, lulz."?

"Hey, Fate. You know that whole.. questioning thing? Let's rewind that and pretend it didn't happen, k? Cool."

It's stupid, really. I mean. How do you apologize to something like that?
And I'm not even sure if I want to apologize, because I'm human. I'm allowed to make mistakes?

Or maybe I was just SO VERY gifted for the spirits to ACTUALLY answer me when I asked about it, they got pissed when I was like "Hey guyz, send it again, plox?"

Argh.

The whole feeling of being abandoned by them is not being helped as it's being followed by the abandonment feeling from irl and gaia friends as well.



lul, same emo song I always use.

Blargh.