• I have no idea whether things have gotten better or worse. It all feels the same, emotionless, painless and lost. Like there is nothing out there anymore. I feel like I’m lost in a sea, cast away from my so called friends and left to die. I cry and don’t know why I’m crying, is it because I really want someone to force my thoughts and feelings out of me. That secretly I actually want to be heard and I can’t admit it. Why is the life of a teenager so hard? we always think that there is no one out there who understands us ,when in reality there is always that one person that you never really take seriously then actually realise they were right. Why is it so hard to admit defeat, give up and seek help? I’ve been thinking about death, not the actually dying part. I fully understand that concept, but what do we know of the afterlife. Is it an eternal sleep? A wonderful place with family and friends? What happens after you die? You can never be sure. We all have theories and some seem very understandable, but there is no justification. I’m uncertain what will happen to me when I die. I’ve thought about suicide many times however right when I’m about to take the pills or make the final cut I just can’t do it. I feel like there is something holding me back. I don’t know what this something is. Is it my fate that stops me from ending my life or do I truly believe that there might be someone out there who wants to say those 3 words that can change your life. How can “I love you” help. How can you be sure any emotion is real? We all feel them differently. To an extent we know what or think we know what they mean. But if you say you’re happy your happy will not be the same as someone else who is brought up in a different way. Everyone tells me love is real, you feel it. You can see people and tell they are in love. But how can something like that happen when you yourself has never been told, has never heard those words we all long for “I love you”. To be loved, what does it feel like? How can you tell? Is it a warm tingly feeling when that special person touches your hand? How you can feel your heart best faster when there around or talking to you? I cannot be sure these questions will ever be answered. But if they are can they really help how I am, can they help shape who I am? All these questions and not a clue where to start. I’ve read about love and relationships, every book a fairy tale ending. That’s not how it’s like in the real world. Why must everyone portray this sweet innocent little girl who falls in love and everything turns out fine. Will the reality of the human world seep its way in and expose the truth about everyday life? I’ve just realised that I’ve asked so many questions, but why? What do I expect someone just to read this and magically have all the answers, well to my experience that never happens? I don’t know who will read this or what they will think about it. I know that is how I truly feel and have for a while, because I’ve never shared this before I thought I could escape it. I will admit I’ve tried to smoke away the problems. I’ve tried to push them into the back of my mind and ignore them. I suppose that this, these thoughts prove that neither of the two worked. All my life I thought that mommy and daddy could tell me all the answers to my question, when I grew older I started to answer them myself. But now again I’m right back where I started, asking question but this time, neither mommy nor daddy can answer them. I suppose from this point on all I can do is look forward, forget all of my past and embrace the future, a new me and a new world. New outlooks and new beliefs on our ever changing lives. I’m not religious I just pray that everything, in the end will work out for the best.