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There I was on my bathroom floor. Watching the second hand of my watch ticking by. Those three minutes felt like a year. Hey, if you’re laughing, then you’ve been there right? What kind of crummy joke is it to have to pee on a stick to find out if you’re pregnant? Who’s the sicko that thought that one up?
Times up...moment of truth...17 years old and praying to God that there are not two lines on the stick. Please, oh, please.
One Sunny Day In April, By Deborah Gattey
Mama told me that once you hold your baby in your arms you’ll finally understand the true meaning of love. She was right you can’t have a baby in the house and not be awestruck. Have you ever looked into the eyes of a one year old? I mean really looked?
They are full of amazement and wonder...and then...it dawns on you...they’re seeing the world for the first time. I used to get down on my knees and follow her around, seeing things from her perspective. It’s tough being little, a countertop is a huge obstacle for a two-year-old.
A few years back, I was racing through town trying to get to my sisters house. Then I hear this tiny voice from the back seat.
Look, Mommy a rainbow!
I glanced out the window.
Uh, Huh...that’s nice.
I’ve never seen a rainbow before.
Reality check. Four years old and she’d never seen a rainbow. I mean, they’re neat and all but they’re just rainbows, right? Not when it’s the first time you’ve ever seen one. I pulled into the next parking lot and we all piled out. We must have stayed there for 15 maybe 20 minutes just looking at this rainbow. I still remember her smile. There’s no way you can look into her beautiful little face and not know there’s a God. Because only God could make something that precious...that innocent. It was first grade that Sarah had her fist experience with Lincoln Logs. You know those little plastic logs you’re supposed build log cabins out of? Well apparently during free time, this is what she would be doing. She would always ask me to get her some... “Pleeeeeease?”
When I get around to it. Actually, I figure if she had some to play with, what was the point of me buying some? Well, one day when I came home from work I walked into the kitchen and there on the table was a log cabin...made out of my tampons. “Look what I made, mommy!”
I bought her the Lincoln logs.
It was round this time that Sarah came up to me one night and presented this to me, “It’s a round tuit. Now whenever you say you need to get around to it, you’ll have one!”
She cut it out a kids magazine. The edges were perfectly rounded. I remember thinking, “When did you get so good with scissors?”
A year later I was finally able to move out of my parent’s house, but it was only a few miles away so babysitting way taken care of.
And then, I got the phone call she was dead. Yeah, just like that. You didn’t see that one coming did you? Just a phone call. She’s dead. She had two friends with her they were rock hopping along the riverbank. She slipped. The river pours into the ocean a few miles downstream. We never found her. Gone, totally and utterly gone. I was making lunch and putting it into her Winnie the Pooh lunchbox. The next second, I have no daughter. She’s dead. And I can’t even say good-bye because we can’t find the body to have a funeral.
It’s a little bit harder to believe in God now. My life was devoted to her. I did everything for her. What was I supposed to do then? I stayed home, was hospitalized three times for depression and nobody knew what to do with me. But, truth be told I wanted to be left alone. Just leave me alone.
Finally my boss came by. She went through all the standard lines,
Our hearts are breaking for you.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through.
If there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know. I hate that one. But then she said “There’s always a place for you at the store. You can come back to work whenever you get around...get around to it.”
I went back to work the next day.
 Poison Fed with a Spoon · Wed Apr 18, 2007 @ 10:37pm · 0 Comments |
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