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My Confessional [s]. [******** you, world. ******** you.] |
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Aaaand. Stop, Hammer time. XD &3 Yeah, so as the title states, I'm going to share with you some things you may not know about me.. First off, my thing for labels. Let me make one thing clear, and I will say it once. Only once. I. AM. NOT. GOTH/EMO!. Got it? I've been called many MANY things in my life, and Freak sure is one of them. I don't label others. If I did, most of them would be Tomato Soup or something. I..HATE..LABELS. I mean, I'm fine with my friends jokingly calling me stuff, like I do to LiLi, 'cause I can handle anything they throw at me. Now thats that.
Secondly. I'd like to state a bunch of other things. There are things in life I will never be able to do. Cutting is one of them. I have a friend who cuts sometimes. I don't like it, but I'm sure I can't very easily stop her. I couldn't do it. Self mutilation [unless drawing on my arms with sharpie..] isn't in my nature. When I get depressed or mad..or something, I draw. I write. I listen to music and sing. I don't cry and whine and cut myself. I refuse to conform to what society has dubbed 'natural for angsty teens'. I force myself to be different, because I actually want to go somewhere in life, and that direction is up, and possibly west of here. Maybe east if your thinking more towards China. But west of L.A. Anyway. This same thing applies to the whole suicide thing. I could never commit suicide. Its not in me to give up my perfectly fine life because I'm depressed beyond belief. If I'm depressed, I go to my friends or to Adam or Dalt, because they know how to fix it. I'm thankful for that. Friends are like medicine, or some sort of cure for those times you just need a pick-me-up. I don't need drugs to be happy or to feel good about myself. I just need people who love me for the crazy freak that I am. Thats another thing. People seem to hate me and my differentiality [Is that a word? Sounds like it. XD -Adds it to the list anyway.-]. I dont want to conform and be like the rest of the bunch. I like being the black sheep of the group. My style changes daily from Tomboyish to Casu-Loli to Emo to Punk and back to 'Gothic'. I want people to know I'm different, and get over themselves. Do they think I care what they think? Do they judge me because they don't know me under this stupid outter shell thing? [BAD simile. XD ] Well, I'd like to tell them something. Up your Nanny. [XD! Inside Joke.]
I'm straight edge. I'm not sXe because its the cool thing to do, or because it what all the emo kids are or because I'm a wannabe. I'm sXe because there are issues in my life that have triggered that little thing. There are people I don't want to be like. I don't want to be pregnant at 16. I dont want to OD. I don't want a hang over yet. I want to live my life to the fullest, even if that means no 'fun drugs'. I want to live to my 90s, beeyitchez. I want to have fun, pursue my career as an artist and novelist and spontaneously combust at around 94. Sure, I might drink on my wedding day or occasionally at a fancy party or something. But not a lot and I'll be sure to have a D.D there. And I want friends who will understand why I'm sXe, and not make fun of me for being 'uncool'. I don't care if I'm uncool. I don't care what anyone thinks anymore. I just want to live without regrets. IF thats at all possible. I want friends who are like me..share interests and actually appreiciate that I like to be different. I'm glad I've found people like that. And I do hope they are my friends because they actually love me. Not because they feel sorry for me. Sure, I'm a little strange, not as much as some, but I have some sense in me and I know what's what. Its hard to find that in a guy. Someone who maybe doesn't dress the same and maybe doesn't act the same..but by golly, he'd better love me for me. Not for anything else like my drawing tallent or my singing or..those 'insanely cute noises' I make. For me. That's all I ask, and I doubt any love will come my way in school. Most of the guys are complete [adjective] [noun]s. Guys think we're freaks, most girls think we're creepy. But ourselves? We think we rock. Life is a beach, and I'm not getting any tanner, yo. [Badddd. xD It's just cause I'm so pale, I can glow in the dark. But I hate being tan, so sorry you guys who like tans. XD I'm not for you. And I'm not a blonde bombshell, if you're thinking that either.]
I need help. I think I need a hitman to come and target practice on a few kids. I don't dress like an anime character. Do you see me wearing a ninja headband? Or am I constantly saying 'IN THE NAME OF THE MOON---' No. I' don't and I'm not. I dress like..well, me. And people need to get that through their thick skulls. Up until 4th grade, I was that quiet, reserved kid that wore dark clothign and sat in the back of the room. Now? Thanks to Erica, I'm crazy and slightly more outgoing. Only a little more outgoing. But 2000% more insane. But I'm thankful. My music..My music is strange. I listen to things people would think some overly Goth kid would listen to, or some crazy hippy chick. Rasputina, In This Moment, Jack off Jill, Dir en Grey..The list could go on forever. I don't like mainstream stuff. I like it simple: Me. Music is my life and with out it, I could quite possibly die. Music expresses my mood. When I'm happy, I like to air guitar to SOAD or something. When I'm down, some good old Antic Cafe can bring me back up. When I'm terribly angry, something like Rasputina or Evanescence can calm me down..[-Sways.-] This brings us back to the cutting thing. Sure, I've thought about it. And I've told a few people this. But I can't go through with it. 1. It's stupid. 2. All we have are butter knives. And that'd hurt. People think I'm crazy, writing so much. I write in my spare time, I type often and I draw to much. But..I like to do it. Isn't doing that better than smoking weed when I'm bored.. or drinking? I'm going to publish a book in my lifetime, I don't care what you say. I will. If I think it, it will happen. I want to go somewhere in life..as stated previously. And Cutting isn't going to get me nowhere. I don't think watching myself bleed is fun, not at all. Blood should be inside your body, not outside. Paper cuts are bad enough. I'm overly cautious. I've never broken a bone, but I've done some stupid things.
Tell me. Why are you reading this? Because you're curious to see what I'm writing? You want to know me? You care? I don't know, and I don't need an answer. I only wish that it is the third one. I want to spontaneously combust. That's how I want to die. So, I don't expect it. I don't want to lie on my death bed, knowing I'm dieing. That would tear me up. I don't think I'd be able to handle that. OH. That takes me to something. I can't cry. I've tryed to..I mean, really cry. Really, seriously cry. Not because of pain..or because you're laughing to much, but to cry over something..that, makes you want to die. I can't. I just can't. I don't know why, but I just..don't cry often. When I do, its a lot. Last time I really cried [I mean one of those sobby 'I feel like crap so kill me or I'll die anyway.' kind of things.] was when my cat died..in 2002. [XD! I loved my cat! He was 14..>.>;] Other than that, nothing, not even my parents divorcing, has caused me to cry. Ne. I guess its just me. There are times when I feel like I should, but I can't. I'm so used to showing only my happy, bright side that I just cant. And that will most likely kill me some day.Y'see, I've been forced my whole life to not really show sadness. Kids expect you to be happy, funny and always optimistic. I guess I'm not like other kids. I mean, A lot of kids at my school are so 'cool' they're at the point of not feeling anything and all they care about is that party they went to, or what the new girl is wearing, or what kid to pick on next. Me and my friends? We care to much. Someone around me is always getting hurt, its never me. We care a little to much for the sake of others, not nessicarily for ourselves. Other kids think we're kind of insane when we worry about the kid whos home sick with the stomache flu. I guess the don't expect it from the 'Goth Freak Girls.' The only place I have really shown emotion to..well, kind of strangers, is online. I guess its because people don't know 'me' The weird girl from school. They can get to know me. I guess some people think the real me is a gay emo boy. Kind of scary. I'm glad I finally got to share that. Moving on. I wonder what people think about us, besides the fact that we're weird. I mean, it IS a trivial thing to think about. Why should I care? I don't know. I'm a curious person.
I'm sitting, decked out in bright 'emo' stuff. It is a little awkward feeling, seeing as I have the hair of a 'goth'. x_x So is my make up [Not extreme, dorks. I'm not really 'goth' so why the heck would I put on REAL 'goth' makeup? XDD ] People call me a wanna be for that. I'm sorry I'm not All that 'Punk' or 'Emo' or 'Goth.' Like I stated earlier, I like to change my style. Though, I haven't worked up the courage to go in full Lolita..I'm afraid to do that.. I can't handle critsizm well. Thats contradicting, yes. But oh well. I should at lease get some more GL stuff before I attempt it. >.< If only Michael was still in school. THEN I'd do it, just so---.. Wow. Okay, rants. I should stay on topic. Most of this stuff is pointless to you, but it hold significance to me. My thoughts, you know? My views on society. I gotta share them. I have to. I feel like someone has to read them. I dont care if you comment..or whatever. But I'd like someone to read it..I don't care who, really.
This has been too long.. I guess I'm done. Whatever. -Somehow in a bad mood. Needs some cheering up.- e.e
EDIT. I'd really like to die right now. I'm having one of my moments.. these moments are rare.
3/23/07.
 fauney · Fri Mar 23, 2007 @ 03:46am · 2 Comments |
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