Its interesting how simple words can hurt so badly. How in certain ways they can leave you broken, stripped your pride and will. How they can destroy you from the inside out and then cause so much pain that you want to disappear. Words can bring tears that last longer then any tears physical pain causes. They touch your soul and infect it with an eerie despair that will not dissapear with simple medicine. Thats what these words have done to me. Even if its not said aloud or said in the same way i can still sense it. I can sense the fact that a person doesnt completely care, that they want to just say "I told you so." Yes i know, its my fault. My entire life has been my fault because i have strived to be strong. Ive wanted to support myself, to be able to do everything i wanted, and i wanted to be myself. I know it was wrong now. I know i pushed my body too far and even though my parents didnt take me to a doctor until it was too late i know its my fault. I didnt push, i didnt speak. I didnt want to be teased, yelled at, or turned down. I just did what i thought was right and in the end i pushed everyone away.
I should have let people help, but ive gone so many years without it. I know that i should have just let people in, but i couldnt trust and thats my fault. Im sorry i couldnt trust, im sorry that ive pushed away. Its my fault... I shouldnt have pushed myself when i was hurt. I know that it only made it worse. I shouldnt have kept it a secret until i couldnt stand how much it hurt. I shouldnt have cried, i shouldnt have worried everyone. I know its my fault and im sorry.
Now all i expect to get is the sense of "I told you so." Because so far, thats all ive gotten. Everything is my fault, i know that... Now i cant do anything to stop it. Its my fault this happened. Im hurt and i cant get back up. Im never going to be the same. I dont expect anything anymore. And i know thats my fault. Its all my fault.....
 Ishira Tsubasa · Tue Feb 06, 2007 @ 06:01am · 1 Comments |
