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I understand what's going on. I understand. Why didn't you just say what you meant? Ever heard the song "Scars"? That's it. I kinda get it. I realize how sick and tired you must be of hearing me b***h about my life but do nothing to change.
Since you haven't seen me, you don't know that I'm working hard, really hard, and it's getting easier. I was at B&N, looking for some books, first stop: kids' section for Sir Thursday. Found it, but it was hardcover and $15. Too much for a book I can check out from the library for free. I'm going to buy it eventually, but for now, I can wait. Okay, so then out into the rest of the store to find two other books ((well, 3 really, but B&N is pretty lame for a bookstore sometimes)). I'm gearing up for a long hard search. I always browse the displays outside the section. One table was kids/teen books. Like a transitional table, or something. *glances at table*
Ha ha, there's one of the books I was looking for, Cut. I've read it and found it enlightening. But, it was too easy. Waaaay too easy to find. I kinda floated around the store in a hazy daze. Found one of the other books I wanted, Pretties, but no Specials, making B&N the lamest bookstore ever. Target has Specials. Bought Pretties. But I realized something: everything's just so easy!
I don't know how to explain what happened. I just know now that I can change, and it's not that hard. My problem was that I was thinking too much about what could happen and how to change and trying, rather than just doing the only thing I need to do: relax.
However, I don't believe no one's going to care. Maybe Maura and you and everyone else who I'm just barely on friendly terms with won't, but others will. Even if they hate it.
Sad, isn't it? I'm doing what Erin and Khushi and Amanda and alot of other people said NOT to do. They told me to stay the hell away from you, to practically run in the other direction if you ever started being nice to me. Of course, I don't really listen to Erin on matters like that, Amanda is biased, and Khushi was still friends with you and she left our lunch group to go sit with yours. Never saw her at lunch after that. So, I felt like I shouldn't even listen to the voices of reason.
In some ways, they're absolutely right. You've never really been good for me, nor I for you. I annoy the heck out of you, and I hurt you too. See, really bad idea for the two of us to be anywhere in the same city as each other. I mean it.
On the other hand, they're totally wrong. Who better than the one person who has always been critical of me? You really can't deny that. Erin's pointed my faults out too, but I never paid much attention to her. It's all I can do not to point out what's wrong with her. But the way you point it out, either I totally agree and admit it, or I get really mad and very determined to prove you wrong. I don't even bother thinking about telling you your faults. You just deny it and turn it back on me. Like using me. Who wanted to go to Lakeside to meet her boyfriend? Who wanted the other to go to Clearview with her so her parents would leave and let her meet her friend/soon-to-be boyfriend? Not me. I don't really care, but still, you do need to admit it.
Ha, yet another reason they're right. Every time, no matter what happened, I got in trouble and you got off, even when you were involved completely and even more than me sometimes. I hated it. I guess because it reminded me of Cassie, a girl in 1st grade who would steal my pencil box all the time. I got in trouble when I tried to get it back, but she rarely got in trouble for stealing my stuff. Yet another thing that doesn't matter.
Nothing really matters. I went through all that s**t to have it mean nothing. They all forgot. Every one of them. They've forgotten everything that they did to me. I just want to stop remembering it, the way they did. But I'd never trade sides. While what they did wasn't unforgivable, it was horrible, and they never were brought to justice. I was the one punished. And as if it's not enough for others to punish me, I punish myself.
If you remember just one thing about me, remember that I do know what I've done, almost every bit of it, and I have made and will make myself pay for it everyday until the day I die.
"But my scars remind me that the past is real"
~nepie
If you hadn't figured/found out yet, I was cutting myself a while back. I stopped for good Saturday.
 nepie · Fri Jun 23, 2006 @ 03:30am · 1 Comments |
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