my trip heretage festival trip was horrible. out of the 5 times we performed i performed twice. during the 2nd one i performed in i had to sit during the last song because i almost passed out. i passed out in the lobby and everyone didn't care untill my friend came by and woke me. my body was so numb i couldn't do anything but breath and talk. (even though it was difficult)and i got some sort of food sickness that was like the flu.i spent most of my time sleeping and crying. i was pushing my self to the breaking point trying to keep up with the group but people kept putting me thru guilt trips and forcing me to participate in activities even though i had something like the flu. and i felt worse when one of the chaporones told me that i wasn't important. she said that there wouldn't be a difference if i was there or not and that the didn't need me. she made me feel worthless when the truth was they did... i was doing my best to keep going and not fall asleep. when i was awake i was fighting to keep myself breathing. my body is so tired it is almost paralized and i almost passed out so many times. my body was so weak i had to have people carry me and help my walk around. i didn't eat for 2 days and that made me on the brink of ending up in the hospital. on the last day when i finally was done with my flu like illness i went and supported my choir at their last performance. i was getting depressed because i didn't feel apart of the choir anymore, i felt like an out cast. during the whole trip i was ditched forgotten and ignored. i was even left alone at disneyland and i cried from 8 something saturday till this morning and no one cared. no one asked me if i was alright or anything. i even cried on the bus on our way home. i was ready to go ask someone i didn't know and say "can i sit with u... i have no friends to sit with." people were so absorbed in them selves they didn't realize that i was upset... even my closest of friends didn't even noticed. i cried all night. and when i got home i got yelled at when i asked for a docters appointment. thanx family/friends i feel so loved. i guess i'm omega after all... the outcast that gets forgotten and left behind. i'm in so much pain...please god please.... can i die now???
(oh and not to invoke a fight)
this is for my friends who live where i do.
i have been feeling the rejection part for a while now. i feel totaly unappriciated for everything i do. no one cares for me no one appriciats me. i bend over backwards to make u guys happy and i don't get so much as a thank u. i am tired of my kindness being taken for a weakness.
i am so jelouse of u guys because i will never be as healthy as u of as happy. u guys get everything handed to u on a silver platter and don't know what it is like to be in hell. no idea at all!!!! uwant something so bad and when u finally get it.... its not important anymore... for example shonna u wanted that guy so bad. u cried everyday and complained to me. u wanted to know if he was ever gonna like u or how long will it take to wait and if u should give up. i keept pushing u and encouraging u and now u have him. and u rub it in my face by ditching me for him... leaving me, alone, to spend time with him. now that u have him u take advantage of it and u don't care as much. i am now the one telling what to do when u should automatiaclly do it. if i had a boyfriend i would call him to tell him i'm alright and make sure he's ok. i'd share my food with him if he had none. if he was cold i'd share my jacket with him. i'd love him every chance i got! i only do it for ur boyfriend because u don't. if u don't take care of him he won't love u. i can't do it for u forever. that's how u lost eric, u didn't take care of him... i did. take this info and fix the problem.if ur not there for him he won't be there for u.
{and also if i had a bf. i wouldn't rub it in my friends faces be showing off or making out while they are around or ditching them to go do something together. and i would also minimize the touching because other people don't wanna sit and watch.}
{the only eception is when there is more than just one other person besides u and ur bf.(but even in that everything is limited)}
but also i am the same way. u don't care for me and not i'm starting to wonder if u guys r my real friends or not. i could be sick for a week and no one will call me to make sure i'm ok. with my health for all i know i could die or end up in a wheel chair. how would u feel if one day i went to the hospital u didn't call and check on me untill it was to late? how would u feel if u couldn't say good-bye and me hear it while i still could? how would u be able to live knowing that u weren't there for ur friend when she needed u most and her dieing... thinking she was abbandoned and forgotten by the people she loved..? i wouldn't be able to...
{if u don't believe me then don't... u'll see when the time comes}
 -BloodPhase-Yoru- · Mon Apr 10, 2006 @ 02:49am · 2 Comments |
