Im not sure what i should be doing or saying at this point in time... Im confused because i thought that i only like two people and well loved them. I thought i had gotten over.. Him.. But thats not true. After a while i thought i had settled down and found some one to keep me happy but in the end it wasnt true and i found that out recently.. You never realize how much you care about some one until you spend time with them or get hurt by them. Love never use to be such a loose term with me and at this time isnt but my heart cant decide if it can love or not. Theres only one person that it starts loving over and over again. I recently read his journal and he said that i was the most important thing in his life at that time. I cant help but think i am no longer that important.. he has moved on, he has some one he can trust.. i dont.. though i feel i am in love with the man im with he has done things that has made it so i cant trust him.. I dont love or care for him the same way i cared for my ex and each time i think of my ex i either hate myself for letting it end up this way or realize how upset i am... My heart feels like its breaking and it has for some time.. Though he may feel whole.. i do not... i want him back.. i want to hold him in my arms and love him the way i use to but i cant... We recently had a conversation on how i get hurt by others all the time.. In the conversation he gave me the impression that he had wished he hadnt done anything with me.. It hurt.. it hurt so much because i had given him everything i could.. I wanted him to be with me no matter what.. and here... he regretted doing it... It made me qeustion a lot of things because i found myself crying over the matter... He would probably say im stupid and wrong for thinking the way i do but i cant help it... im hurting more and more.. Each moment im with him i feel my mask coming off and i start showing how i truely am.. a sad person that just wants her other half back... People say that i need to get over it but i dont think they realize what its like to lose part of yourself.. he was part of me... i gave him something that i wouldnt normally give anyone and now im just trying to find some one to take his place.. im confused.. do actaully feel love right now? or is it what they call a rebound relationship? I dont know anymore and i dont know my feelings anymore... i dont know myself... and i want to leave... because im dying in so many different ways.....
 Ishira Tsubasa · Thu Mar 02, 2006 @ 06:03am · 1 Comments |
