I am forever lost never knowing what turn to take, i reach for help but no one understands. I am drifting deeper into the darkness, i wish someone would reach out and save me but i only fall deeper. i feel like i am drowning, drowning air, drowning in my life. I have reached forward and i have made friends but i wear a mask. I smile and laugh but i only fall deeper away, i avoid the roads and the cliffs next to the beach for fear i will throw myself off. I never would but the thought still comes. I avoid the night, i hide in myself i hide from my life. I sit at the computor trying to forget but no matter where i go it seems to follow i still dont know what "it" is. I have a theory though. Lonliness that can not be quenched, boredom that burns at my soul. i wonder if anyone will read this some day, i doute it though no one would read something written by a girl lost in her own heart and mind. I no longer know where i am from, i no longer know my friends i no longer know who i am. Who is that girl living my life i ask myself, then i look again and i realize that girl living my life is me. Where i want to be, but it isnt me. I stand here alone, it not real its not right. Its not here, it me. I would cry out for help but i feel alone there are people that say they can help but can they really they talk and try to find answers, answers that can not be found. MY face is dry but i still feel the tears, if i was not gripped by fear i would punch my reflection out of the window not careing if my hands bleed. My Art is my friend my art is my hope. but slowly it wears away art is not eternal, then when i least expected a friend. Cecile.. she reached out and i took her hand. We are best friends now. I am with her everyday, but this hollow feeling will never go away. I fear when i die the gates of hell will open up for me. Ceciles problems are less than mine but it still destroys her life and herself. I watch her and i reach forward i try and atleast give her a friend to lean on. I hope she thinks of me as a friend, when she has cried i have given her a shoulder to cry on, when she has smiled i have smiled back. Then brunel and Jacob enter, their enthusiasm lights up a room, exploding water to flying cows these two never seem to run out of ideas. hopping for leaf to leaf in the tree of life these two will never stop to explore i know that for a fact. And Jim a true friend like Cecile, when i didnt know my self what so ever i leaned on him and he let me. We laughed and we screamed, we jumped and we ran. Jim like brunel, cecile, and jacob have reached out and at least lit a light in my smile. but even though the hollow hole inside of me will not go away, i want to be with my friends as much as i can and i try to but then when i am with them and we smile and laugh. i just want to run away, and when i do i just feel alone i dont know what i should do if someone ever tried to save me from this i would mostlikley push them away. My brother has tried to talk to me and the same with my grandmother but nothing helps, i am still falling. Falling through my life, i suppose there is no real purpose to this journal entry here. Merley to vent out all my troubles and pains. I just cant seem to stop typeing i feel no tears but i feel them through out my heart. I avoid sleep for when i close my eyes is see memories that are not mine, i see fears that grip at my mind. But they are still not mine, i know when there is something wrong but no one will lisen. So i walk away i walk away deeper into my distant life that i never have truely lived. When i have talked to my brother and he tried to help me he made me tea as i cried and quietly stood there as i cried some more i tried to explain i tried to tell him everything but i found that the more i tried the more i lost my voice and the more he never understood. I live my life crying even though i am not. The memories that i see at night are not mine they are other's i have seen memories of a war the dead bodys on the ground and the sounds of gunshots flying over head, the wet dirt squishing under "my" hands and feet. It is not water for it has not rained it is blood of the dead bodies thrown around me. Even more gunshot fire off above "my" head. I duck down tears flying down "my" face for "i" knew that i was about to die. Then from behind "i" feel pain, a liquid falls down "my" neck then "i" fall to the ground and die. This is a Dream i had but i felt the pain and is felt the blood, i could smell the gun power and i could see the smoke of the gunfire. I have these not so often but when i do it is marked deep into my mind forever burned there. This only adds to my back hollow hole of a soul. I am lost with out a life with out a soul. Jacob over time began to expand into my life, we have hung out more, talked more, gotten to know each other better as well. I can relate to him alot, be both have our problems, but we try and forget them with time. But some things are not always easily forgotten. Jacob is someone who will listen to me when i need someone too, he is someone that will help me when i need it, i hope and know he will be there for me if the future like the past. But it is confusing, when you know a friend likes you, it boggles your mind and makes you ask question's you usually wouldnt, now i look around me and look at him, could it ever happen, could it ever work? Could we be, could that be? I feel blinded, but i feel carefree, but that is only when he is with me, if i could say onething to him and mean it with all my heart i would tell him something that has never been said, but that has not been written either, and shall remain that way. I have watched him grow over the years as he has watched me, now i wonder, why is the true? I know the truth thhough sometimes i wont admit it. I need him as i believe he needs me, if it wasnt for these people that fill my life, i would just die. I wish i could say thank you, i wish i could tell him all i have thought, i wish i could tell him the lies he has bought, but if i did he might not look at me the same, if that happened all i would feel is shame. So now i pray, and i hope, i wish and i mope, all there is left for me to do now is hope.
II Nightmare Moon II Community Member 
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