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My brains vomitorium.
Please consult doctor before use, Ray is not for everyone, side effects may include; distrust, disdain, anger, pitty, loathing, and meloncoly...
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Swimming pool of conflicting thoughts |
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It's always nice to start off with an unusual title, sometimes it makes me want to fit my writing to it. Other times it kind of funny to see how unrelated it can be.
In any case I seriously think I should get some prozac or something, it'll probably help my concience and my parinoia. Beside that I think I need to try to have a heart to heart with Kelly. Let her know what's bothering me and what I'm planning, I just really don't want to bring up some drama that she doesn't need. She never needs drama, but it's always attracted to her. I don't want to be a shitty acter in her soap opera, I want to be the best friend she goes to after a crappy day at work. It's not turning out to be that way I think. Then again, what need does she have for me with a guy like Elo. He is pretty much her best friend, and boy friend. 2 in one. Ray is just there for nestalga, and a laugh maybe. No probably not, she says she cares. She's probably just worried about my feelings so much she almost becomes a different person around me. That's one possibility. I just wish this other "voice" in my head would shut up, it doesn't help when there is a constant scream of regret and neglect. Leads to a lot of self doubt and depression.
You know a feeling I kind of miss, no, really miss? Having her sit in my lap all curled up like a tiny kitten, resting her head on my shoulder. Her eye lashes ticking my neck. It was an empowering feeling, made me feel whole, made me feel as if I had a purpose. Made me feel loved. I am a sentimental b*****d. It's probably memories like these that make me feel so sad, cause I know exactly what I've lost. On almost all levels as well I suppose. I hope.. I wish there's still a place for me in her life. I want to be her bestfriend again, I want to be more then her bestfriend. Like that assended friend, maybe we can make up a new word for it. A chosen friend. I want to know that woman forever.
Moving on, well not entirly. I want to find out why I'm so messed up spiritually. I have a feeling it's connected to why I don't remember my dreams, almost ever. There's something hidden deep, very deep. That was probably buried when I got sick so long ago. Maybe I'm just missing a piece to the puzzle, to complete the key and unlock that silly door. If I'm so special, I wish someone would be there to help me sort this out. Honestly I want it to be Kelly. Alas I think this is a path I'll travel alone, like all the others. I have plenty of thoughts about all this, I just find it hard to bring it up I guess. It's weird since I'm so... new? to all this? Time, that's what I need. To get in more with these fine people. I know I feel more lost with out them sometimes. Maybe Dave is right, I found kindred spirits and I don't want to part with them.... so much more to say, but I'd rather talk in person with people. I just wish I didn't have to initiate everything, but maybe that's my lot in life.. I need to get things started. To new beginnings!
~Melly out.
 melidserke · Wed Nov 09, 2005 @ 06:25pm · 0 Comments |
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