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woah, I read that s**t like it's plain English xD |
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I was flipping through my old agendas looking to see if there was anything worth keeping (and of course, there was). Well, I had started this code that's kinda hard to explain but easy enough to decode with the key. I thought I didn't really start it until at least 10th, if not 11th grade, but apparently, I was coding my way through the 2nd half of 9th grade. There's so much of it, and a different key for each. You can't decode it properly with an incorrect key, even if they're very similar. Just a few letters off, and you're gettin' gibberish. Which was the point of the code. Anyway, I found a piece of looseleaf tucked into my agenda with a code on one of the pages, so I started decoding it. About 10 letters in, I didn't even use the key anymore. I was reading it easily. hence, the title xD
Aside from my lovely coding, I also found some old stuff I wrote in my agendas. I write in them like crazy. Song lyrics, quotes, random stuff that I think of, and occasionally, important stuff. Most of 10th grade was bitching about Panelle and Baker and Hoffman, near the end. 11th was quotes, observations, and comments about Nugent-b***h. 9th consisted of codes, bad poetry, questioning, and little blurbs that usually ended in calling myself a monster. The biggest difference is how I act when I feel like I'm a monster. Back then, I wrote about it. 10th grade, I cut. 11th grade, I cried, listened obsessively to Evanescence, and occasionally cut. Now, I cry, write, draw, throw out what I wrote and drew, then have a 2-hour staring contest with the device of my former cutting. Really just because it gets my mind on the track of "dont you ******** dare touch that," thus distracting me from whatever was bugging me. You'd think that being aware of all my mind's little tricks would make me immune to them, but it doesn't.
I'm s'posed to be cleaning, but I already did most of the bathroom and much of upstairs today. Tomorrow is the yucky dentist -.- And laser tag, but if I don't come out of that completely depressed, it'll be a miracle. Last time I'll see anyone for 4 months. Unless I randomly drive back sometime, which I might do. I'll know ahead of time when I do that, though. And then I have to wait until March after Christmas, but I'm not even spending the whole week here, hopefully. I want to visit Steph. But Dori's birthday is at the beginning of that week, and so is the St. Patty's Day Parade, I think ^^ so i gotta be here for that. Besides, Steph will be in school (though I bet she'd skip a day just to hang out with any of us xD)
It just occurred to me that it may seem weird that I'd keep something I used to cut with (a temptation) around, even though it has no other practical use. In my experience, throwing away the object of the addiction does not prevent its manifestation, and often ends up making it way worse. And it's meaningless to say no if there's no outlet. It's like saying you don't want to go swimming when there isn't even a pool. If you wanted to go swimming, you couldn't anyway. The decision is meaningless. Saying no to it when I could just as easily reach out and do something is much better than saying no when the option does not exist.
~nepie
 nepie · Mon Aug 04, 2008 @ 01:19am · 0 Comments |
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