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I find myself distressed. My birthday was yesterday, I didn't receive presents at all... hell, the only person (aside from my parents) to wish me happy birthday was my older sister. Now, this is not what distresses me. I've dealt with a similar situation every year since about the age of 16, I am now 20.
What distresses me most to the point of tears, nearly, is that I only wanted to hear from one person on my birthday and didn't. If I were to just have heard a "happy birthday" in passing from said person, that would have made my day, but it didn't happen. This person is my best friend. I've known him since kindergarten and I love him like a brother and all I wanted for my birhtday is just to hear him say those two words.
I had, what can be considered otherwise, a horrible day yesterday. I stayed up late the night before and was woken up early because my mother needed someone to watch her youngest children while she had her "me time" or whatever. Because I had to watch them, I was late to work. After work, I checked my cell phone, I had missed 4 calls, none of which were from him, so I called him. He didn't even aknowledge the fact that it was my birthday, he just said his girlfriend was having some people over so he couldn't hang out with me, but would be able to after that. I wasn't concerned. I know I'm being replaced in his life by his newly-acquired girlfriend. So, I went home and drew until I decided to go hang out with other people. At about 2 a.m., my friend called. Now, I was surprised, I didn't expect him to call me back whatsoever. Still, he said nothing. He just wanted to let me know that he didn't want to hang out.
After that call is when it really hit me. I'm being replaced in my friend's life. I mean, he rather hung out with his girfriend than with me on my birthday. This has been a slow realization process, but eventually, I'll become a "third-wheel," if I continue hanging onto this relationship as much as I have been. I don't want to be an obligation to him, that he has to feel as though he has to hang out with me solely for the fact that we've known each other for so long. It hurts so bad, but that's the truth. I don't want to call him because I'm afraid of what I'll say, which is why I've decided not to initiate the communication between he and I. I won't be against talking or even hanging out, but I will not be the instigator of said acts from now on. I've never before felt so lonely. I truly don't want the best for him and if that means I have to step out of his life a bit, I'm willing to do that. I truly believe this is the right thing to do, but why does it have to hurt so bad?
 haruki_jitsunin · Thu Dec 20, 2007 @ 07:26pm · 0 Comments |
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