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NO reciprocation. I don't get it! I'm actually MAKING AN EFFORT to be good, so I get cut off? What sense does that make? I DON'T GET IT. EVERY time I do something right, EVERYTHING goes wrong! I should be driving to see Erin right now, but instead, I'm not allowed to go, thanks to ERin's mom, and I couldn't have gone anyway, as I have a SORE THROAT! But I would've gone to see my best friend. I would have. But now, I just can't win. I SAID I wouldn't go looking for the other account, and so I haven't! And yet, this goes to the point where it's sorely tempting! I probably sound like I'm crazy, but dammit, this is so ******** backwards!
Well, in retrospect, that boy from my dream, that really awesome one, yea, he looked much more like the real deal than I originally thought. You should thank Patrick for that one, what with his pics on Myspace. Totally accidental realization, which I kept to myself for a while. But I'm going to be honest, upfront, and above all, me.
But that doesn't mean I'm gonna go chat up Colin or go on a hunt through Gaia. I'm sticking to my word. Not that it means anything to anyone. Why should I matter to anyone? I'm just a pain in the a**, totally unimportant. My word means nothing, my actions are meaningless. Because, apparently, whatever I do or say, I'm still a liar, still a freak, still someone people work so hard to disassociate themselves from once others start to like them. Sarah Ball was the first, but certainly not the last, to push me as far away from her as possible, until we can barely say 2 words to each other. But not out of hatred, or anything like that. Just general unease.
I didn't grow up when she did. I was just a child. I was forced to be a child. It was either that or break down completely, and she never understood that. She never had people teasing her, tormenting her, hurting her at every available moment. No one with any authority did anything to make it stop. Detentions were meaningless to everyone at St. Agnes. That never stopped them. Suspension might have helped, even expulsion, but who would expel Gary? His mom was always hlping out, his sister had gone through, he had been there since age 3. No one would do anything anyway, for fear of it seeming like favoritism. My mom knew what was going on, but she never caught them in the act. She tried to tell Mr. Caire, who caught them all the time, but he ignored it. He put me next to Gary, and even though my mom told him it wasn't a good idea, even after he caught Gary kicking me, he still left me next to him! I had no escape but childishness. So, as a result, Sarah pushed me far away, trying to get away from her childhood to be popular and normal. She was embarassed by me. I saw it in her face when I got upset with her at her party. It was childish. I understand that. But when your best friend doesn't keep a promise, even the smallest one, it hurts. It's just another betrayl. I got upset, she got upset, and at that point, it was all over. I didn't know that, but it was. She saw that I hadn't grown up as she had, and she didn't want to be associated with me. So, I got cut off.
I'm not angry about it. I understand completely. How many times have I wanted to just run away from Erin, just to get away from being associated with her immaturity? But I haven't run away. I always try. I'm practically the only person who can get through to her sometimes. And all because I stick by her. Sure, I get mad at her, but it lasts for all of 10 minutes. She's not exactly trustworthy, and I know that, so I'm careful. But she's my friend, and friends stick together. I hope I run into Sarah somewhere. I'd like that very much. I haven't talked to her since 9th grade.
damn. i just realized that. I forgot I hadn't seen her since 9th grade. Wow, talk about a way to push the wrong buttons. It was @ the fair. We said hi, and that's all. She was with her friends. What more could be said? She didn't want to embarass herself, I'm sure. But I'm a forgetful girl ^_^ Next time I see her, I'll be all smiles ^_^ Nothing ever happened. We were never more than just classmates. And it's so nice to run into each other again ^_^ et cetera.
haha, I've forgotten to be mad xd Oh well, at least I can find that to be a funny thing, not a sad thing now.
"Nothing really matters, anyone can see"
~nepie
 nepie · Sun Jul 29, 2007 @ 04:12pm · 1 Comments |
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