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stupid stupid stupid. why don't i ever listen to myself? |
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Went to see Pirates again w/ my parents. I was supposed t be seeing evan almighty with my friends, but Caitlin told Victoria it got cancelled and expected her to TELL ME! come ON! And Caitlin was just like, "well, next time, i'll make sure to let you know when something changes." Why didn't she just make sure? She knows how Victoria can be sometimes.
Oh, and then there was him. I didn't listen to myself. I woke up thinking about how he was there when Erin and I went to Harry Potter. I couldn't get the incident out of my head ALL FREAKING MORNING. And so, I was stupid and just thought it was because of my little nightmare and the fact that Erin's in town for this week. Well, my dad and I were looking at movie times, trying to figure out what they were going to see, when I just felt...I had to look over my shoulder. Damn compulsions. And when I looked, there were these 3 ppl at this table. The 1st one I saw was this blonde girl, and she was looking right at me. And she turned to this guy by here, and they were both looking at me, at which point I turned away.
But I was curious, so I looked again and saw him. It scared me. And then I realized what an idiot I had been. I didn't look again. I knew why they were looking at me. A little after that, they got up and went off (upstairs, as it turns out). So, we bought our tickets and went upstairs. They were there, but I didn't turn to look at them, just because I was so...I just couldn't. And my mom got aggravated b/c I hadn't confirmed plans with anyone. I got pretty mad too. I said I was going to wait downstairs for ppl. I got on the escalator fuming mad. And then...he ran over to the railing by the escalator and asked if I was okay. I said I was. And he said "be happy." i wanted to cry. I really did. And I ran away from him. I ran. I ran like a coward and hid. I couldn't go near him. I just couldn't.
I'm furious at myself for that. But then, I do understand it, in a way. I was only doing what I should have done, if I were being good and listening. I haven't been, though. I talk to him all the time. He's hurt that I didn't say hi. Why did I have to choose that moment to listen?! Ohhhh...if I could, I would hate that someone, that someone who tells me to stay away from people. But I can't, because it doesn't work that way. I don't work that way. I just don't hate. I'm just being stupid, thinking if I don't hate anyone, no one will hate me. I know that's not true, but I can't help falling into that.
DAMMIT, I can't wait until school starts...my nerve is going to fail long before then. I was thinking this morning, and I need to get this done soon. I'm not going to keep my mind on it though...
being shady again, I know. But that's the only fun part of this ^_^
~nepie
 nepie · Mon Jul 02, 2007 @ 01:35am · 0 Comments |
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