|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 3:04 pm
o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o o_x_Shifty_x_o So no s**t, true story, there I was, balls deep in the jungles of Nam with nothing but a coat hanger, some silly string and ten rounds of 25 mm for a Bradley fighting vehicle when up popped these elves asking me if I knew why the sacred banana had been slaughtering infants in a wholesale crusade into the Eye of Terror with a regiment of candy coated hobo-zombies while it rained indoors. Needless to say, I had my work cut out for me. But the rest of the story comes later. As promised, here's the next installment in the exciting series of "The Adventures of Preliat Militis, the Mandlaorian Shifty Frog of Doom and Stuff and Things!" The regiment of hobo zombies, mentioned previously were actually quite the sociable bunch and were just the type of people, if that's what they could be called, that I would befriend, though my previous employers were obvious not going to be thrilled at my dubious and unannounced change in loyalties to this war we found ourselves in. Unfortunately for them, Shifty gives not ten shits nor a mouses hind quarters during tax season what others think of him when a profit is visible and that in mind, I banded together with the feisty and homeless devourers of flesh and bone and set off to engage in ravenous games of checkers with the Ottoman empire with the help of my trusty steed and favorite inanimate object, BOB, who will not be around after the show for questions. Together, none were able to stand in our way and, though my weapon jammed in the height of the semi-finals' most exciting moments, I faltered not for I had in my possession the answer to the forbidden question, and my enemies dared not destroy me for their desire to know burned greater then a five year old's backside after bringing home straight D minuses. With that advantage, and the fact that I had a greater need to win then anyone else, I sallied forth, punching them in the face one by one until they cried. Then I felt bad.... But, not wanting to show weakness, I retrieved my weapon, unjammed it and shot them all dad in front of their cousins, a lesson to any who would dare defy the Lord of Change. Revenge fueled their hearts and I knew this battle was not yet won, but I was confident in my ability to murder the innocent and righteous, being a man of faith and a firm believer in Jesus Christ. But, the rest of the story come later... Once again, it's time for a journey into the exploits of Lord General Militant Preliat "Shifty" Militis, Uniform Company 'The Undead', 1st Battalion, 254th Death Korps Regiment, Officer Commanding. Well, the sister daughters and brother sons of my most hated foe came at me, swords of pure light screaming chants of devotion to the fell powers of evil and wickedness, yet heed them I did not, for though they may have been powerful temptations they attempted to leak into my subconscious, I had a sworn duty and no one, not even YOU, dear reader, can sway Shifty from his sacred duty. And so, purge them I did, obliterating their flesh with high caliber rounds, finely focused laser weaponry and ordnance enough to shatter worlds, but still they came. In their millions and billions and trillions and quadrillions and quintillion and decillions they came, so many people, I would have lost count were it not for the fact that I counted to infinity twice in one day. And so I set forth, my armor glistening with the life fluids of my fallen foe and many a rabid gerbil at my side to devour the corpses produced by the Factories of Nill with smiles on their grubby faces. Too long had they gone without eating because I am irresponsible and chose to watch tv instead. The enemy prayed to destroy me alone, yet my rodents refused them and they swarmed upon the Servants of the Liar Gods with voracious hunger and the sounds of shrill laughter could be heard from the soon to be dead foe as the furry monsters tickled them with their whiskers, lulling them into false senses of security. Seeing an opportunity to make my get away and return to the real battlefield, I whistled for my Basilisk War Droid. In stead, I got three, one of them being my own and the other two being occupied by my most trusted comrade and brother in arms, the other by my most beloved cyar'ika. Together, the three of us set to the stars to find the nearest apocalyptic battle field to go and ******** s**t UP. Mutha ******** class="clear">Could this be thin final installment to this epic tale of wanton bloodshed? ******** no, but it is the next one! Well, as I set off to wage true war with my intimidatingly beautiful (and well armed) wife DM, and my longest friend and greatest ally Fir'ika at my side, I knew the day was soon at hand when Interpol would come to take me to the Gibbit woods. Unfortunately for them, I had my wits about me, which is something odd, in truth, as I have given to allow my mind to wander into the realm of duh and drool, but I digress. They launched their counter push before my initial push could begin. A foolish move, as we were at that precise moment getting ready to deploy into the first warzone of the Great Crusade, and we were well ready for anything they could throw at us. As the whole of the United Nations sent their cannon fodder to die against our flying steel and blaster fire, the trio I found myself a part of cut a bloody swath, crushing, blasting and incinerating all who came before us in unnecessary amounts of gore and ick. There was, indeed, a gratuitous amount of corpses that littered the battlefield before the true battle had even started. As the forces of Terra lay dead at our feet, we pressed onward to strike at the very heart of the foul Greenskins and the demonic filth that had enticed them into their millennium blood rage. Like creatures possessed we broke them with everything we had, burning the very sky with our fury and turning the sand at our feet to beautiful, deadly broken glass that lacerated any who were weak enough to fall. The enemy tried to flee, but I was without mercy and ordered the first nuclear strike in a series of 7,314 that would rage across 217 different worlds and would render the populations of those worlds defenseless, if they were not dust already. Did I care for their wretched lives? Negative, ghost rider, for if you oppose capitalism, such shall be your fate! And so, I pressed on, through the nuclear tide of molten earth that flowed at our feet, my blade drawn as I saw the enemy champion, beckoning me in shining arrogance, and it was then that I knew that this battle would be one of the biggest of this Holy War... Though my words and actions seem to hide the fact, my religious values are actually quite high, and being a warrior as well, I was a prime candidate to lead the expeditionary force sent to destroy the ones seeking to wipe us from existence. Tasked with causing serious blunt force trauma to the face of a certain enemy commander, I took only my most capable of allies, my darling and deadly wife, DM, my long time best friend and brother, Firin and his entourage, as well as my good friend, Kiston Swordsinger. With this elite force, we cut through the enemy's defenses like a scalpel through flesh. (Being a medic, I do know what I'm talking about for a change. :] ) The enemy was so easily carved through, we were upon our foe in moments. That was when I made my mistake. It was so easy to rip his forces apart, almost like they were made of paper and we were fighting in the rain, and so I judged him as little better. Foolish of me. As I came in to fell him in a single strike, he parried and struck back with a speed that matched my own, but caught me off guard because of my lack of faith in my enemy's fortitude. We were locked in fierce combat from there on out and none of my companions dared to move closer, not wishing to interrupt this honor duel. Though my enemy was a fearsome opponent, he was also a coward, and behind me he'd ordered a sniper to overwatch the battle. As he broke away, I heard the crack of a sniper rifle and turned, expecting my life fluids to poor out of me. Instead, I turned to see my companion, Kiston, standing less then a foot away from me, taking the full force of the bullet into his own body. He staggered only for a moment before rising up and taking his weapon to the sniper with a righteous anger befitting the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse. As I turned to run to my dear friend's aid, my enemy reignited our ferocious duel, and I was unable to get to him. Rage filled my entire body and, though I'm not proud to admit it, I allowed myself to let the Force flow through me, as well as the Warp and I sent a non-physical attack at him that was so powerful I nearly died of exhaustion on the spot. My enemy was now an ashen ruin and I slowly limped to where Kiston was at, sunk onto his knees with the snipers head, detached from his body in my comrade's hand. I put my hand on his shoulder, but my good friend had already passed, the horrific wound in his chest draining him of his last drops of blood. That night we did not celebrate any victories, for Lord Kiston, commander of the Interior Guard and leader of the Triad system had fallen in honorable combat, but he would sorely be missed... Sorry if this wasn't the death you were hoping for, Kiston. It's 1 am as I'm typing this and I have to be at the trucks at 0530 to get our radios ready and just couldn't sleep. But, I can always resurrect you, since it's my damn story. :] Anyways, how are the Fluffies doing this time of day-month-year? I myself I'm splendid. I had been worried about a private affair that had me so worked up I found myself being a complete and total d**k to people who didn't deserve it and when I was alone, being completely and totally emo, which, if I offend you then go shove, is something I detest. I mean, seriously? Emos? Get over it. But I digress, the situation resolved itself and I'm not embarrassed to admit I got a wee lump in my throat, but only because of how relieved I was. And now I'm just counting the days until I'm back in the real world where I can find someone who's 21 to supply me with items have all the fast food I can eat! ninja And on a side note, I'm sure you've all heard about how my home state, California, has a school that force a student to turn his shirt inside out because it had an American flag on it and he wore it on May 5th. Though I hate to discuss politics online, and Red vs Blue can tell you why, I feel the need to express my disgust to everyone around, whether they're reading it or hearing me rant for hours on end. I'm no patriot, I'll admit that because I still enlisted, so I'm still doing my part and don't feel ashamed. However, when last I checked, we were the United States of America, not the United States of Every Country but Our Own. I dislike having to press 1 for English, not being able to understand the lady at the drive thru in Jack in the Box, and the fact that we celebrate other nations' holidays. This whole ordeal has made me sick, and is one more reason why I only return to California occasionally to visit my loved ones who can't afford to leave. But, that's just my opinion. [End Rant] Oh, and I have a big a** Green Monster, and it's delicious! but I wish I had Blue, because it's my favoritest. >_>
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 4:26 pm
Hurrah!!!! I can detach the heads of snipers!!!! m/
s'okay Shifty. Twas a very touching end for me.
*High fives Shifty for making me a commander of the Interior Guard and leader of the Triad system.* 3nodding
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 6:01 pm
-snif-
poor kiston...
finally caught up on this story >:]
21 year olds sure are handy...
and dang, california man... tisk tisk lately
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 09, 2010 7:04 pm
21 year old friends are the best. xD And I no longer call myself Californian, I just say "Yeah, I've been there." :3
@Kiston- Glad to hear it. *high fives back*
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 10, 2010 1:33 am
srsly... this is getting ridiculous... >.>
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 11, 2010 4:05 pm
Since when did the term free country start to mean we can't wear whatever shirt we want irregardless of the day?
From what I've been told real Mexicans, from Mexico, don't celebrate Cinco De Mayo in May. It's a celebration that takes place in September or something like that and it's called something entirely different. But if you're a real true blue Mexican through thick and thin and want to dispute what I've heard then by all means, do so.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 11, 2010 4:47 pm
dragonmonkey Since when did the term free country start to mean we can't wear whatever shirt we want irregardless of the day? From what I've been told real Mexicans, from Mexico, don't celebrate Cinco De Mayo in May. It's a celebration that takes place in September or something like that and it's called something entirely different. But if you're a real true blue Mexican through thick and thin and want to dispute what I've heard then by all means, do so.
Cinco de Mayo is a May holiday celebrating the battle they had with the French. It's mainly just an excuse to party and get wasted. It's mainly just a US holiday tho.. so... whatever.
The thing in September is their Independence Day when Mexico was liberated from Spain. It's like our 4th of July and way more important than May 5th.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue May 11, 2010 4:48 pm
By the way shifty... I like Blue monsters too...
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 12:09 am
@DM- Most of the people who are Mexican citizens trying to get their citizenship faster through the Army absolutely hate any Mexican holiday celebrated in the US. They claim it's usually only celebrated by the ignorant.
@Kuro- It hasn't been so for a while, now? xD
@Mongoose- Then you have excellent taste in energy drinks! xD
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 4:23 pm
A power non-physical attack that left you exhausted?! XD
RIDICULOUS!!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed May 12, 2010 5:09 pm
KuroAkaNeko A power non-physical attack that left you exhausted?! XD RIDICULOUS!! Kuro calls for SHENANIGANZ.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Fri May 14, 2010 10:24 pm
KuroAkaNeko A power non-physical attack that left you exhausted?! XD RIDICULOUS!! He's used to using physical attacks and doing other physical activities with me in private. When you're used to one type of an attack doing another type can be surprisingly exhausting.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 12:51 am
Indeed... I'd have to agree to such logic!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Sun May 16, 2010 5:24 am
Were it just a physical battle, like my darling cyar'ika has pointed out, I would have managed a lot better. But, I was angry and acted out of turn. >_<
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon May 17, 2010 1:14 am
shifty must learn to wait for his time bar to fill first before acting!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
