A Murder of Crows

• Artist: Sunafire
• Description: This was kind of... an experiment. I wanted to try something different and I like twisting old rhymes around.
  I'm not too proud of it, but I'd like to know what everyone else thinks, and to see if people can give me any idea how to improve this.
  
  The idea is to put a darker tone on the original poem - I don't usually write poems this dark, it may not seem it on the surface but what I was thinking at the time made me feel out of my depth.
  
  Comments & Criticism appreciated.
• Date: 07/08/2009
• Tags: murder crows sorrow joyful secrets

This wilted rose,
A murder of crows,
Can you see me?
Can you see me?

One for sorrow,
No tears fell,
Emotions lost into the wishing well.

Two for joy,
Love is blind,
Young with only one thing in mind.

Three for a girl,
A wasted youth,
Torn dresses hung from the roof.

Four for a boy,
Proud and tall,
The phone lay silent waiting for a call.

Five for silver,
A forgotten gem,
As valuable as it likes to pretend.

Six for gold,
Money is power,
The rich dominate while the poor cower.

Seven for a secret never to be told.
This wilted rose,
Hidden by the wings of a murder of crows.

Comments

[x-Asthenia-x]

(aaah it didn't let me finish!)

This reminded my of Animal Farm: a book I read twice- the first time when I was eight years old and the second when I was fourteen. It has a really strong sense of how growing up makes you see what's behind what seems like a simple tale about mean pigs. smile

It's really good; dark and deep without being wemo.
An accomplishment in this day & age if I ever saw one biggrin

[x-Asthenia-x]

This is different- in a really good way.
I think you should further explore this dark side but I understand the frustrations feeling like "This isn't really me so do I have the right to write as though it IS me?" and so on.