• It was about that time of day again, time to stop the singing and brace myself. Whenever she came home, I looked without seeing. A shell. I knew that I always miss something. Something I didn’t clean. Something I didn’t do. It was hard to manage school with chores. Chores… more like house work. I was the only one to clean this place. This small two bedroom apartment, that grew viler as time passed. With haste, I scanned my surrounding; it looked like everything was good. Maybe I should tidy up a little here and there. But my heart stopped for a slight instant as the door lock clicked. The woman is here, I though to myself.

    Her blond hair was always a mess when she came home. Its curls intertwined with each other, and sprayed with a solution to make it inflexible. The sun had caused her face to appear red. She never really tanned. Her skin was never able to fully take in the sun’s parting gift. Instead she just burned slightly with a red glow. Her jade green eyes were revealed after she took off her sunglasses. They searched for a flaw. It seemed like she wanted to find it, the one thing that gave her the permission to yell. But she found nothing.

    “Hi” I said, as she slowly closed the door and let the cold air surround us once more. “Hey”, was the only thing she said.

    I thought her day went well, seeing as she didn’t look as stressed as usual, so I didn’t bother asking. She walked across the small living room, pushing the autumn that was in her way, to get to her room. As I continued the dishes, I noticed that I had yet to clean the bathroom like she had told me to. But in my defense, I also had homework, which wasn’t an easy task. I sensed it before I heard it.
    “You didn’t clean the bathroom,” she said in a crude way. “Yeah I know I had homework to do, I’ll do it later,” I replied. “You better!”

    Time goes by fast when you are doing the dishes, or at least in my perspective. I always had music to help me through everything. The classical stylings of Janelle Monae, always made me vibrant. “Just use the music to block out the problems,” I would always tell myself. I dried my dish panned hand and roamed to the laptop on the couch. “I’ll just check my emails real quick, then get off and do the bathroom”, but I found myself on for two hours before I realized what time it was. She sat down next to me and looked at the clock. In a rude tone she simply said “I told you to clean the bathroom!”

    Now being my mother’s child, I always had a problem with my anger. But because my genes were half from her, I had better control, or so I thought. My nerves were being tested but I remained calm and said, “Yeah I’m getting to it!”, but I was too involved with the online controversies. “NOW!” she yelled, “I’m going”, I replied in a calm manner. “GO CLEAN THAT BATHROOM OR ELSE!” She screamed. I got up and went to it.

    It never was hard to get her mad. I always thought she was a direct descendent of the Greek God Aries. But I learned that my grandfather was bipolar, something that was passed down from generation to generation. My mother made it clear that she thought that I was bipolar because I always responded to her in anger. But when I responded it was only the result of yelling that was for me. So maybe we are both bipolar, maybe she is or maybe I am. One thing is certain, there is a limit to how much anger can be collected before violence is acted.

    Ever since I was little, I was always cleaning. And I never fought with her because I knew I would lose. Mentally, she was smarter. Physically, she was stronger. So when I was bad or didn’t clean what was asked, I was easily beaten, like a scrawny scarecrow. And this is when I started believing that my purpose in this life, is to be the servant. “You are the maid. You clean, be silent and do what you are told.” These sentences were never forgotten.

    As I grew, I realized that the tides were turning. I was becoming stronger, and more intelligent. While, her body started to weaken. No longer could I be so easily controlled. I started to grow more defiant, asking why I must do stuff, and can you help me with this. But all the answer ever was “I make the money, I pay the bills. You clean the house; you take care of the chores.” I thought about leaving, but I stopped thinking, “I need her to live. As long as she makes the money I can’t escape! You have to do what she says.” Janelle Monae once sang “Your free but in your mind. Your freedom’s in a bind.” But she has also taught me that whether you’re high or low, you got to tip on the tightrope.

    Over the days, I noticed that really all she did was go to work, come home, and make dinner. After work, all she did was hang out with her friends. I thought this to be unfair! Why should I have to juggle going to school, doing homework, taking care of the chores, and caring for the animals. I was always working and some days, it was a bit over the top. She wouldn’t help with anything, that or I never saw her do anything. One day she told me that she does clean when I’m not around, but then wouldn’t my duties be less?

    Some days I refused to do my chores. And some days I was so upset that I didn’t want to talk. I felt like killing myself, but then thought about all the people, if any, that would miss me. I found myself writing poetry, stories, or drawing to calm my wavering sea of emotions. I didn’t cry just let the pain leave through the strokes of my pencils, my mediums. One of my favorite artists, Otep, educates “Sevas Tra”, which is Art Saves backwards. I found that this was true.

    With healthier habits, I am able to control myself. When ever I am feeling low, I’ll use my art as my savior. Some times the littlest thing will set her off, and during these moments, I think silently of all the lessons I have learned. And afterwards, I found that she is calmer, and not as bad as I think. Maybe I’m her medium. Maybe through my control, I can take her anger and temper it towards art. Maybe my problems with her will never be resolved, but she is my mother and I can’t change that. But as long as my medium is with me, I am free.