• To be truthful. I sometimes don't know how i feel, one day i could be completely lost. others i could be completely saine. They say i should try to find the source of me never being happy. when i try i get the answer. but the answer isn't enough at times. its true what people say. running isn't the answer cause it will all catch up to you sooner or later. but running is enough to escape most of your problems. i know you should face your issues head on cause they say its the only way. but im not going to follow them. i've chosen my own path. if i decided to leave and not come back. than im going to leave. for two reasons: one; i couldldn't bare dealing with it anymore, it was so much pain even i couldn't handle it. two; i didn't want to cope or deal. i just wanted out. growing up i'd choose the easy ways out. there was one time where i'd make my self bleed till i didn't feel that pain anymore. once i went 5 hours straight, drifting in and out of reality. however my mom came in and stoped the bleeding. not knowing how much i wanted to leave reality. but did i blame her for stoping it. no; cause she's my mother. any mother in their right mind will stop it. yes; cause she didn't know how i was feeling, how i wanted to leave. how i wanted to escape this world of pain. she didn't know what was causing me to these things. After awhile i just left in another way. i just went into my own personal happy place. just sitting alone in the dark would help. its all i seemed to have at the moment. at times i wouldn't leave my room. i'd just keep to myself praying to god no one hurt me that day. sometimes my prayer came true. other than that just being alone sometimes made me happy. i don't know, maybe thats what im destined to be alone. at points i don't mind being alone. sometimes i think its what i want in the end. To be complete truthful, i hate whan people pity me. it annoys me. it pisses me off. i know i sometimes do stupid s**t to get away. but at that momment while im doing it. thats all that seems to matter. whats hurting me. whats making me do it. it doesn't matter what the outside world is saying or is trying to prevent. its just whats going on with me. and i know its wrong to think that way. but thats how it is when you are like me. times are wasting. its time to get help. i know it. i just din't want it. its just not what im used to. i went my whole life without help. why ask or get it now. i like keeping to myself. it helps me to see that im still alive. even at times when i wish i wasn't. i am. by me saying this. it would probably piss alot of people off. and im sorry. but maybe the reaon im not completely happy is cause im still alive. what if just dying and going to place where i feel no pain of any sort is what would make me happy. don't take this as my refernce to sucide cause its not. im not going to off myself 5 days before my birthday. hahaha it would be funny if i did on my birthday though. i could see it now "sixteen year old girl: comitted Suicide on her Birthday" has a ring to it. otherwise im not. Im fine. im just tired of life. but im going to have to live whether or not i want to. These feelings are not just a cover. its the truth. sometimes its just how i feel. it seems the only way i could ever really let them out is through venting. writing is mylife. its how i vent. if i couldn't write i don't know what i'd do.its obvious that talking about them doesn't help. it just makes me think about them more and harder. i don't want to think more into this. i just want to get it out and leave it alone.