un-normal mute fool

• Artist: Bloody Biography
• Description: so i don't talk.. i have this thing called "selective mutism" and it's a whole anxiety deal.. i got the deluxe packet, mute since the first day of school..don't talk to people at all except mom, dad, brother, sister, cat, grandma on mom's side, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, and 4 cousins..pretty dumb right?
• Date: 06/07/2009
• Tags: mute retard fool stupid notnormal

I never really thought about being bullied. I just knew that when it happened to someone else it was funny. I liked to go on with it, laughing at them. Then, one day, I knew what it was like. It was second grade, first semester. There were groups of kids like they were in middle school: nerds, popular, fat, tall, short, "stupid", and then me. I was my own group. Nobody wanted to have anything to do with me. They'd leave me out of things and when I got paired up with them for kickball they'd throw me around like a doll. Sometimes I felt like a doll, and at times I was even called a doll. Nobody thought I was useful, and they stayed clear from me. One day, I even got a shoe thrown at my face, pushed off a swing, thrown into the wall, yelled at, sent to the principle for being bullied, and called everything in a second grader's vocabulary. Most days I even pretended to have a fever, just to stay home from school. In second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth grade I missed 70+ days of school...each grade. Nobody ever left down the fact that I was mute, silent, retarded, and "not human". They just wanted to fit in. Still, to this day, I get bullied. Nobody wants to be around me. Seventh grade was the only year since second grade that I missed less than 20 days. I didn't want my theory to be right, but maybe I am different. Isn't different good, though? No, not in my eyes. Or any teenagers eyes. I want to change. I want to not be "mute." I don't feel like being the laughingstock of the school. I want to fit in. But, once again, what is normal? I don't think anyone knows. I just know it's not me. And, it probably never will be me. How will I grow up? Poor, unhealthy, homeless, wife/girlfriendless, unable to go to a restraunt by myself? What will happen to me? Sometimes I think the only way out of this is suicide. I can't just go to school one day and talk. No. Something bad will happen. They'll laugh. They'll still be afraid of me. What do I have to do to be normal?

Comments

[Lilith Celestine17]

Have you ever read a book called "Speak" by Laurie Halse Anderson? I used to be like that, like you except I was afraid of being heard, but pretending to be invisible is not going to change anything. After reading that book it changed my life, no matter what the situation, you have to speak up, and if nobody listens, you have to find someone who will listen. So if you ever want to talk to somebody, I'm right here waiting to hear what you have to say...

[animalbffs]

I feel the same way. Wanna be friends? We can talk things out.

[Zoezy]

i know how you feel, but astonishingly its just as hard to fit in if you are "normal"..what ever that is.. you sometimes notice, that people you thought your friends are laughing at you behind your back, just to fit in.. to be accepted in the "cool" group.. it never helps them though.. they get dropped when the gag isn't funny anymore and they come crawling back to you.. now i am alone.. just like you.. well, not quite.. but i know what it feels like, believe me.

[iiLoves-Crimeii]

No i use to be the same... i know how u feel