• Tips on how to be…
    A Horror-Movie Monster
    By: Devlus

    Are you feeling a bit… plain? Like you have no distinguishing features other than that mole on your ankle? Well, now there’s help! Now there’s ‘Tips on how to be…’, a helpful guide to stereotypes. With this information, you can easily become those you loathe, those you envy, and those who you have no idea who the hell are! So without further ado, here’s Tips On How To Be A Horror-Movie Monster!

    Tip 1: Wear A Mask.

    Many monsters featured in Horror films wear things to cover their faces. Goalie masks, Wooden masks, even another person’s face. So why not follow suit? If you’re body is hideous, why not wear a nice shiny mask? With a Mask, you can confuse your victims into thinking you’re some whack-job with a fetish for stuff on your face. Plus, it restricts your vision (or logically does).

    Tip 2: Use A Weapon.

    You probably aren’t very physically strong if you plan on being a Monster, so make sure to use a weapon! Claws, Machetes, Chainsaws, anything that can make gore. More unconventional weapons should be avoided (plungers, rubber ducks, and golf clubs), but if used at the perfect time (when the music gets sharp and annoying), can still strike fear into your targets!

    Tip 3: Learn To Teleport.

    Did you ever wonder how Monsters can be anywhere, at any time? Well, they teleport! Yes, those little buggers can move through walls. So work on your teleportational abilities. With them, you can appear where your victim least expects it! Sure, there’s no logical explanation how you can go from being locked in a room to a room halfway across the house, but Monsters don’t need logic, do they!?



    Tip 4: Disguise Your Voice.

    On the vocal front, Monsters never sound normal. So why should you, O great Monster Wanna-Be? With a proper voice-changer, you can sound like something no-one else could! You could even play with your Demonically-Influenced Friends! Just watch out that you don’t pull a James Earl Jones and breath through your respirator…

    Tip 5: Never Present Yourself Early.

    Over and over, the Monster in a film attacks the victim, yet they never expect it because it’s the first time in a while the victim has seen said Monster. Thus, you must never present yourself early to your victims, lest they kill your sorry arse. A good Monster follows a general rule: Don’t attack thin air.

    Tip 6: Look Frightening.

    Monsters have a tendency to be morphed and poor-looking, so make sure you deform your body. Make your skin flap around, give yourself tons of fat and lose it quickly to get excess skin. Burn yourself, cut yourself (not like an emo…), even mutilate yourself for that extra WHAT THE HELL!? effect.

    Tip 7: Hide In Places People Shouldn’t Be.

    Some Monsters attack in broad daylight, but you’re a fledgling, so you can’t withstand much pain. So hide in somewhere no-one would expect (unless they like these films). A cabinet, a closet, under the bed, in a grave, a coffin, even a bathtub, just don’t leave yourself wide open to an assault.

    Tip 8: Kill People When They’re Defenseless.

    Out on the prowl, you can smell stupid teenager in the air. That’s your target, so what now, Popeye? Shall you attack, or wait? Well, those who live will wait. If they can fight back, you’ll probably get stomped. So wait until they shower, sleep, or fornicate. After all, it’s what the ‘professionals’ do.



    Tip 9: Have A Terrible Past.

    Nowadays, everyone’s past is not too kind. But trumping them all is a Horror-Monster’s. They often lack anything truly sad, but are tear-jerking for some reason. So take abuse and kill your parents, get picked on and drown, or just be a stupid person. Whatever makes your past sad, for it justifies your unjust killing rampage.

    Tip 10: Go During A Thunderstorm.

    Going to a victim’s house can be slow and lengthy, and sometimes just not worth it. If you crave extra screams, go during a Storm. For some reason, Thunder claps frighten preppy teenagers and the ilk more than sharp, annoying music. A Thunderstorm also coats you in wetness, which can exaggerate your most frightening features.