• We pulled into the driveway of our old house. Neither of us said a word to each other. We never even glanced at one another. I opened the passenger door and emerged from the van. Mom waited a few minutes before repeating the action. I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t think there was anything that needed to be said. All I knew is that he was gone, forever, never to return to this god forsaken place they call earth. How can someone share so much love for someone they have rarely seen? I wasn’t sure but I knew that no matter what happened in the next 85 years of my life he would always be number one in my heart. I walked up the 4 rotted steps and slowly walked into the house. My younger brother and sister were sitting on the couch watching some old bugs bunny cartoons. I limped, still in pain from the surgery, to the staircase. All I wanted to do was lie down. I was numb all over like no emotions would ever be shed from my soulless body again. That’s how I felt. Without him, soulless, worthless, like half of me was missing.
    I managed the stairs in a matter of 10 minutes and plopped down on my bed. I lay there, eyes open and breathing steadily, just staring at the wall. How come if god is such a great person this happened to me? That’s what I used to think. Yes, why me? How come I have to be the one to hurt like this when there was someone out there who is worthy of this pain I am feeling. I know I will never feel him kick. I will never hear his cries, or smell his skin. I can never touch him and I don’t know who to blame. Is it my mom’s fault? What about the loser who caused me all the trouble for 8 months? There is only one person to blame and its myself. I could have tried harder.Some people just don’t realize just how good they’ve got it. I know this is something that happens every day and people think because I was 13 and 14 at the time that I can’t possibly know what I am feeling. Well I do and I probably feel it ten times stronger that most people. My mom, she raised me well and I know what love is and how it works. I know what not to do and what not to say. I never planned to be a mom at 13 and I don’t think god planned it either but I know how I feel and I know I can deal with it at least for now. But this is for everyone who thinks the world is at an end and that it will never be the same.
    I want people to know how a 13 year old girl can feel. That we can sort through our emotions and we know what they mean. Yes it’s true some of us cope better than others but we still make it through the day. Today I'm 15 but then I was 13, and 14, and I felt things that I never imagined a human being could feel. How can one person be in so much agony? It was as though this force was unleashing its power inside my body and wouldn’t release itself until I gave in but I never did and now I can tell my story so that the young people who think all is lost can say “ well she did it then so can I, what makes me so different from her?” the truth of the matter is we are all the same. In many ways we are different yes but we all have the ability to work through our problems even if we need help from some select few people. If someone want to help then let them. I still make the mistake about not wanting to talk to anyone about what’s going on in my mind but someday and I don’t know when that may be but someday I will tell my story to the world and no more tears will fall from these eyes.
    Chapter 1: The Findings
    “Rachel is there something you want to tell me?” mom asked me as I stood awkwardly in the kitchen.
    I don’t understand how moms can know when something is wrong. It’s like a siren goes off in their minds telling them something’s not right    .