• it's sad when you think about it. The age of self-pity is long gone and i have given up. Resignation. It's all better this way anyway.

    The world is filled with self centered people who latch themselves unto others like leeches. Making others their accessories.I dunno. People-accessories are major ego boosters I think. Someone you can depend WHOLLY upon, but it's never anything mutual. Both parties can say it is, but it's only just parasitic. Self-centered people see so much FLAW in everything and in everyone and they make these ASSUMPTIONS that are based on nothing. Whatever flaws they themselves have, they pretend to see it. Pretend to accept it. But truly, they just throw it all over their accessories and blame them for it.

    Hm. They just want to be awesome, them people. Everybody wants the attention. Everybody is self-centered. I'm the worst of them all. I wouldn't be writing this if i wasnt. I like attention, but I choose not to want it because it isn't available to me. I'm sort of a Person-accessory. I hang out with this girl you see; i like her, and we're friends but i think she's self-centered. What basis do I have? She throws tantrums like a small child everytime she something does not agree with her. Once, in a mall, she flung her phone away in a fit of rage because her mother called up and they argued and the mom told her something she didnt like. She is enraged over petty problems, singles herself out as the most problemated person in the entire universe when she says: I don't have parents. You do. Your parents will give you what you need. I have debts, phone bills, computer bills to pay on my own."
    "Don't use the fact that you don't have parents as the sole reason for your shortcomings. They're not dead. Stop acting like a child and learn to stand on your feet without bragging or complaining." I say this in my head. I don't actually say it. She is not the type to accept something like that said to her. I can already see her giving me the finger, as if whatever friendship we ever have was of no meaning at all. She has done that so many times. Years ago i was acting out because of a certain frustration and she berated me, told me to act as an adult, to compromise, and that the world does not revolve around me or my frustrations. Do I not have a right to have frustrations? Do i not have the right to act out? Is she the only one with that right?

    Her problems seem to be deepening everyday. I worry for her. But everytime I hear them, I'm not even sure why she should bother herself with them at all. They are problems that are easy enough to accept, to solve.
    "You wouldn't understand." She says wistfully.
    "Oh but I do." I dont actually say this. Instead i grin like i feel awkward. I do understand.
    "You wouldn't because at least you didn't..." Comparisons of her life to mine. Lives are not identical, my friend. Your problems are not greater than mine. Mine are not greater than yours. The world has this weird way of weighing things that shouldn't be weighed. Problems are all problems. None greater or lesser than the other.
    Sometimes when she rants and complains and goes into her tantrums, she doesn't catch the momentary glimmer in my eyes that makes me want to say what i've been keeping secret for so long. I am enraged. But i cool down eventually and say: "You have a long life ahead of you. It'll be okay."
    Sometimes she longs for death. She says she wants it so bad. She has no idea how nobody our age could ever long for something like such. When it is suddenly shoved into our faces, we cower.

    Sometimes, when she says "at least you..." and begins with her comparisons, i want to say, Suck it up and shut up! Take it like the ******** adult that you claim you are!" Whichever of her obscure words she says afterwards i can answer with ease. I know so. I will say "At least you have a choice, demmit. The only choice they gave ME was morphine or home!"
    confusion would ensue. perhaps, if she doesn't immediately say "******** you" and stomp away. but if she would stay...and if she would ask. i'd say "I have cancer. I'm going to die in MARCH. Before we even graduate." Then for the first time in my life i would be the one to storm off and she would be the one bounding after me for an apology. But no. I know, with her pride, she'd go the opposite direction.and besides,telling her would complicate things more.

    If I'd died, would it even make her sad? Probably not. The prospect of death didn't make me sad. It frightened me. It wasn't death i was afraid of; it was the time i was supposed to have. I despaired over it. I had not known the meaning of life, therefore i have not lived it...but it was to be taken from me.
    Things would fall into place soon after. I found that i seemed to understand the workings of the world around me. Everything seems easy when you're so near to death.

    The cancer was found in my pancreas, and a number of tumors were found in my brain, liver and lungs. My mother was in hysterics when we got the news. Why hadn't I felt anything, she asked. It was one of those dumb cancers that spreads and worsens without you feeling anything. While they tried to calm my mother down, i tried cracking a joke. "Well ma...you were right. I don't feel anything." Made her worse. Couldn't stop crying. I, on the other hand, shut my mouth like I always did. My Father flew in from the abroad and was getting started to put me through this massive hospitalization process. But I refused. We actually fought over it. He initially requested, no, begged me to stay home. But i refused. I wanted to go to school. They didn't understand why i should even want to go; but it was the only place I could forget that i was about to die, and pretend I had normal problems like grades, school, and my friends' problems. But i had no idea things would get worse; i thought about death more and more in school. I detested the fact that I wouldnt have time to find out who I am, who i was, who i was going to be; that i did not have enough time. NEVER ENOUGH TIME! So much things left unsolved.
    Dying people go existentialist at one point. I haven't reached the point where I would stop caring, though. Hope I'd expire before that tie comes.