• It was suppose to be an ordinary trip to a friend's house. Hangout with the guys. It was normal, but what happened ruined everything. It was never intended to mess up a relationship that was going on two years. It wasn't even suppose to start another relationship. This was suppose to be me with my friend and his friend. This was not suppose to cause so much drama in my life. I suppose that's how things are though, one thing leads to another causing a chain of events to follow.

    I was never suppose to start flirting with him. I wasn't suppose to be in a tickle match. I wasn't suppose to fall over laughing over nothing. None of that was meant to happen. It wasn't the worst part though. We started to watch a movie and this is when it really went south. I laid on the couch, which was one of the dumbest mistakes ever. He came over and laid with me. I was suppose to be letting the stress of my relationship out, not letting someone come in and completely destroy it.

    Then, before I knew it, I was kissed. Not a make-out kiss or anything, but a simple kiss. It was wrong. Wrong beyond wrong is what this was truly. I hated myself for it. His lips and embrace though, it was the comfort I needed. I didn't abject to it though. I let it happen. I let him kiss me.

    I left shortly after and was filled with guilt. I had to tell my love that I had done the unthinkable. It was one of the scariest things I had ever done at that point in my life. I let him know I needed to talk to him. I told him in a text that I had bad news. I needed to tell him in person. I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I was glad to have until the next weekend to have to face him. It gave me a few days to plan for how to say things.

    When I went to his house for our usual weekend stay, I waited until that night to tell him. I wanted to not say anything, but I knew I had to. I sat on the couch with him, cuddling with him. Wishing I could of stopped and not messed up our already shaky relationship. It wasn't fair. I was jealous of his new friend he was always with, why couldn't they make this mistake? Why did I have to be the screw up? Couldn't I be the one that had to be a judge instead of the prosecuted?

    Time was ticking, so I eased him into it. I let it be gently lead into the conversation and I told him. He wasn't so surprised. He was upset, but at this point, being how jealous I was at the time, he expected it. He only stayed with me a short time after because the girl he was falling for told him he should.
    Wasn't it funny? The girl who liked him so much was telling him to stay with me. Me- the cheating, jealous, soon-to-be ex. He tried to make me be around her. She didn't like it and neither did I. We both liked him, why was he doing this? It wasn't fair. It was a nightmare I couldn't escape. How much longer would I be pained with this?

    My answer was in a death. After that death, we were too upset with our own family problems to worry about our problems we had together. He decided to end it. Not at once, but told me he was. Then, he did. Not even nicely. He dropped me on Facebook. Nothing nice about it. His relationship status was changed and I knew I was in the middle of my nightmare now.

    I stayed with the one I had used as comfort. He was sweet and such, but I told him I couldn't stay. I tried to be nice about it. I told him it was because I was still in shock of what I had lost. I had lost a love, a friendship, a place to be safe, and another family. Everything I had known was gone. I was a dark hole- turning any light into darkness. I wouldn't allow myself to be happy. It was months until I moved on. It hurt. It still hurts.

    I let someone else into my life. They had always been there for me. A friend just as long as the first. He was what I wanted then. A problem soon appeared, and that was that I had a hard time being close. I didn't want what I had before. I didn't want to get hurt. Before I could even think about trying to fix this problem, my fixer had to move far away. He left, and I was hurt again.

    I tried to move on again, but now I could find nobody that made me happy. I pushed everyone away. I believed all my misfortunes were due to my actions before- my karma was getting back at me. I did all I could to become someone better. I wanted to become someone that could love again. Someone that could trust again...






    A year passed by and I still have these problems. I can't trust anyone. I refuse to let myself love. I don't want to be hurt. It's my biggest fear now. I never want to have to feel heartache again. It was the worst pain, because it was unable to be seen by others physically. They didn't believe me back then. It still hurts today when I let it. I try to bury it deep down inside of me, but it always comes back.

    It haunts me. So, I came up with a plan. I decided to good for others. I wanted to repent for my evil jealousy. I try to do for others and care for them. I sometimes only want to make others happy instead of myself. It's something I have learned to do. It was enlightened to me. It was something that came to me after long punishments of getting what I had done before.

    All of my bad personality traits were shown to me in different people and I learned what I was like before. I don't like looking back at what I truly was and what I thought I was. The pictures are very different. I wish I had listened more at the time.

    That is the past though. What I want now, is a bright future. I want to find someone to make me happy. Someone that can help me to become better. Someone that will live with me in my new mind-set. I want them to never hate anyone, live for others and make them happy, help fix conflicts, and to love everyone. It is what I have learned and live by now. It's something I take seriously and make sure to carry out.

    I could go on and on about how I have changed, but honestly, I don't think anyone wants to know all of that. So, on that, I say this: Be careful what you do, and learn from your mistakes. It may seem like it will never end, but eventually good will come. Just do what is right, and things will be made right.