• Faith

    By: Stephanie Leonheart


    I was walking into my favorite coffee shop last week, wondering, thinking, analyzing. I wondered about my life, my past, my present, my future. I walked to the register and ordered a cappuccino, and gladly paid it. I love cappuccino, but I love espresso more. However, since I wanted to try something different everyday, I ordered a cappuccino. I was waiting for a friend of mine to show up: my best friend in the entire world, Daniel. We haven’t spoken to in years, and I would love to see him again. Anyway, I called him to see if he was on his way, since I’m always accurate when it comes to meeting someone, and I hate it when that person that I am meeting is late. My eyes suddenly went dark; I couldn’t see a thing. I started touching what covered my eyes… It felt rough, yet the texture of it was like grain being processed into rice. I grabbed what was blocking my view and pulled it away, or should I say ‘them’, because it was a pair of hands. I turned around and saw my best friend Daniel, staring at me with a smile as big as a banana. I hugged him tightly and said to him:

    “Hello Danny! It’s been so long! How have you been dear?”

    He smiled to me and said:

    “I’m fine. What about you?”

    “I’m doing wonderful, thank you. Would you like to take a seat?”

    “Absolutely, Stephanie, thank you.”

    We sat on the table I was sitting on and the waitress brought me my cappuccino, and I asked for some extra sugar. She gladly gives me to packs and leaves to attend the fully loaded coffee shop. Daniel heads to the register and orders some hot chocolate. He comes back to our table and sits.

    So we begin to talk about our lives: how have we been, what have we been doing since graduation, you know. The usual things people would talk about. Everything was fine until he started talking about a topic I couldn’t stand: religion.

    “So, I was going to my Christian church this last week, and I felt good. I was within my own peace with God. It felt so grand!” he said with such enthusiasm. As soon as I heard that, I spilled my coffee from my mouth, and I had to cover my mouth with a lot of napkins. He was shocked and asked me:

    “Um… Did I say something?”

    Of course, I wasn’t happy, and I said:

    “…No. I just hate the topic, ‘religion.’”

    “Why do you hate it so much? This isn’t like you. You used to go to church every Sunday.”

    “Not anymore, though.”

    “Oh? Why don’t you go anymore?”

    I sipped a bit of my coffee, and I started telling my tale. It was gruesome, sad, and inspiring at the same time:

    “Let me tell you a little something dear. I find life to be dull and repeated. I see the same things happening, day after day, not changing. People tend to steal, murder, and rape everyone they meet along the way. Christians are causing problems, especially against those that are imperfect. And it’s sad. Not because of what they think life should be, but how they do it. Have you seen the news? Remember our history? What’s the main reason why we go into war constantly? Christians.”

    Daniel stayed silent. “However, it isn’t all the time…”

    I tell him, “You’re right. Not all of the time. I think of life as that we came here with a purpose, a meaning, something we have to do before we die. However, we need to find out what it is. Personally, I think that we have to find it for ourselves. We find the purpose; we live our lives doing that purpose, and then die.”

    He stays silent, and then says, “What about death? What do you think about?” So, I tell him:

    “What do I think about death? Well… It’s natural. It’s a natural process. All living creatures and organisms have to die at some point. It’s the rule of the world. How did it happen, I will never know. Let me tell you something… I’m scared of dying. However, I know that my time will come. When that happens, I only hope that I completed my purpose here in this world, so I can leave with my mind in peace.”

    Daniel pats my back softly, knowing that my pain was loud and clear. Suddenly, the waitress brings Daniel’s coffee and leaves once again. He tells me, “It’s only natural. We all have to die someday, Stephanie.” I take another sip of my coffee as I reminisce about my past feelings, my past beliefs, now long gone, taken like a wind breeze.

    “Say, Stephanie…” Daniel asks as he stares at me strangely, “What about life? What do you think about it? How do you think life should be now?”

    I politely replied, “Life… It should be of order and justice. There shouldn’t be any problems. It’s supposed to be a perfect world made by ‘God’. If this was true, there shouldn’t be bloodshed every single day, and instead we would be full of harvests, a lot of water, and an unlimited supply of food and shelter. However, life isn’t exactly like that.”

    Another sip of my coffee made me realize something, so I tell my chocolate-drinking friend:

    “Let me tell you something. All I know is that something or someone created this world, this entire system, and the many other systems that humans will not be able to see or meet in their lifetime. One day, we aren’t meant to die, and the world is going to end… Not now, but someday.”

    Daniel sips again, however, he took too much in one sip, and his tongue was incredibly hot. He lets out his tongue and orders a glass of water. The waitress arrives quickly and gives him a big glass, and he gulps it down quicker than a shower. He’s finally relieved, and in reality, I was laughing because he was making a show over a simple cup of hot chocolate.

    Anyway, he finally calms down and asks me a question out of the blue:

    “What about God? Do you still believe in him or something?”

    I looked at him, and gave him the worst glare I could ever give to someone. Every time someone mentions God, my blood starts to boil up. I can’t stand someone calling out his name. So, I calmly took a deep breath and I told Daniel my answer:

    “Before sometime ago, I used to count on him for council. I would pray every night before I go to sleep, and occasionally I would go to church. Due to a few things I can’t explain, I stopped going, but I would pray in the privacy of my own home. However, these past few weeks made my decision flip 180 degrees. Two of my friends died in less than a week. I have been sick with the ‘mother nature’ thing for two months. I’m flat broke and my mother’s car is so screwed up, I don’t know if there is a miracle that can fix that thing. My boyfriend is carrying a burden that he shouldn’t. If there is a ‘God’, why is this happening? My friends had a great life ahead of them, so bright, so pure… But alas! Taken away so young… I don’t understand. If there is a ‘God’, why can’t he do miracles? Didn’t he used to do them or something?”

    Daniel sighs completely, awed and shocked at my response. “So technically, that’s a no.”

    “You are right, sir.”

    “Do you think of anyone better than us?”

    “Nobody is better than nobody, that’s what I say. We are all the same, even though we look alike. There is no one better than anyone.”

    Daniel took so many sips that he finished the chocolate in less than ten minutes of our conversation. He asked the waitress who was taking orders at the other table for a second chocolate. She gladly says yes and leaves with his order and the one of her table. These kinds of things are what I call “multi-tasking”. He opens his book bag and while he’s searching, he asks me a question:

    “So, Stephanie… Do you belong in any religion at the moment?”

    “No. Not really.”

    “Consider anyone kind of like God?”

    “No. The only one I consider a God is me… I was brought here for a reason. I need to figure it out, and do it. No one is going to change my course, or tell me that it’s something else because it is already written in my DNA.”

    “That’s a good answer, Stephanie!”

    “Thank you. I’m glad that you are very open-minded.”

    “You’re welcome.”

    Daniel gets his order a little early, and then says thanks. He takes a sip and then smiles at me. “If that’s the case… How about your thoughts on divinity? Do you think it exists?”

    “Never thought of something like that. Personally, I think it may exist. But the real question is, what is it? But in my point of view, I think there is some kind of divinity. I would like to say that I have one, but at the moment, I don’t. It would be nice to know, however, that someone is watching you from somewhere and takes care of you, but I have no idea if that is true.”

    He remains silent. He smiles once more and takes another sip of his chocolate. As soon as he lifted his face, he had a chocolate mustache. It made me giggle. How strange! I haven’t laughed or giggled for a few weeks now. Even my boyfriend was having a hard time making me laugh.

    We decided to watch the news from our table, since the television was right in front of us. I didn’t understand very much because of all the noise in the coffee shop, but apparently there was another massacre. Six died and several others were considered severely injured.

    Daniel reacted in a state of shock, “Have they no sympathy? Have they no shame? Outrageous, I tell you!” He slams his hand on the table, and when he lifts it, it was boiling red.

    “Daniel, relax! This isn’t your fault. Don’t punish yourself. You’ve been though enough as of late,” I told him quickly, since I grew concerned for his well being. I tend to be like that to those close to me. “Someone get me some a jar with water or something! ASAP!”

    Daniel grabbed my hand. He looked into my eyes and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” I sighed in relief. I thought it was going to get worse, but it didn’t. We continued talking about our topic, and I have to make sure that Daniel doesn’t do something stupid to himself again.

    “Where were we? Oh yeah… Now that we heard that news, what do you think about or values, our relationships?”

    “Are you talking about of us humans? HAH! What do you think? Look around you, Daniel! Take a look at the world around you! It’s bad! It’s terrible!” I said with anger.

    It was pretty obvious that humans aren’t getting along with each other so well. I would really love to see everyone get along some day, but that will only happen if we all sit down one day and talk about our differences, and see what we can do about those differences so we can get along. Alas, that has little chances of happening.

    I thought of roses suddenly. I mentioned to Daniel a few days ago that I wanted a bouquet of roses. The next day, however, my boyfriend arrived at my house with a huge bouquet of red, pink and white roses! I was really surprised. It was far too predictable, though. I had a feeling that he had one of those ‘man conversations’ with Daniel about what kind of flowers I like and bought them for me. So, by natural curiosity, I asked Daniel:

    “How did my honey figure out that roses were my favorite flowers?”

    “I have no idea,” Daniel answers. “Guessed I suppose?”

    “Nice try. He asked you, didn’t he?”

    Daniel didn’t answer. “Ha! I knew it.”

    “Oh, Stephanie, please don’t tell him anything… Please?”

    “All right, I promise.”

    “Thank you.”

    He lowers his head in shame, and I couldn’t help myself but to laugh. He started to feel sad, and I stopped because I felt bad. He then smiles at me and asks yet another question:

    “Hey Stephanie, on the topic of flowers, what do you think about nature? How do you value our relationship with nature?”

    I thought about it for a few seconds, and then replied:

    “Hm… How do I value our relationship with nature? Well, you know I love nature. Not just because of the pretty flowers and landscapes and such, but the fauna as well. We must be thankful to them for the bounty they give us everyday, good or bad. But, if we include humans in the mix, I think that we aren’t valuing nature so much. Look around you—clearly you can see the destruction mankind is doing to nature. We are damaging forests, beaches, even the ozone layer. We have to use this bounty delicately and carefully, or else we will lose everything we have, yet worse—our future generations will not be able to see some or anything of what we have now.”

    “Oh, I see,” Daniel responds, “I think the same way too. How do you think we can relate to nature, with what exists in our ecology?”

    “Tough one,” I said while taking a sip of my drink, “Well, we can try spending some one-on-one time with nature. Try going into forests, rain forests, mountains, etc. Then I think we should sit down and admire nature itself. How it works, moves, feels. We can see how we can make little use of it, because nature is fragile, as like our lives.”

    “That was very nice! I like that answer.” He says and then applauds to me. Of course I blushed silly—I didn’t expect to hear that one.
    I suddenly lost myself in thought. I had no idea what I was even thinking. Daniel tried to snap me out of it by shoving me, but no luck. I was like I was in one of those ‘drug trips’ kids say these days. Kids, what in the world... To think, I used to be a kid. Now I’m a 21 year old screwed-up woman with no sense of direction.

    “Hey Stephanie… Wake up!” Daniel called to me. He snapped his finger in front of me and I was brought back into reality. “What happened to you? You got lost for a while.”

    “…Really? Wow, I didn’t know that. Actually, I was thinking of our world, our universe.” I replied honestly.

    “Wow, really? Well, what do you think about it? How do you understand your relationship with the world? And with the universe that surrounds us?”

    “Well… I think that the world is unique, special to everyone in it. The universe is grand, big—we may never see everything that is in our universe alone in our lifetimes. I see it as a possibility to discover so many things, though, but I don’t know if we ever will be able to see it. I think that the world will get to know me someday, and I will try my best to lay a good impression on the world. However, for now, the world doesn’t know me exactly.”

    “Indeed, interesting theory. I never knew you thought of it that way,” Daniel replied surprisingly.

    “Why, thank you! It’s been in my head for a while.” I tilted my head and smiled.

    Daniel took another sip of his coffee. The bill came to our table and we took a peek at it. Oh, it wasn’t so much. I can pay his end, if he wants me too. However, I’m getting a feeling it might hurt his pride as a man, so I forget asking. He asks me another question:

    “Now that I’m thinking about it, which person influenced you to think how you currently think about the world? How did he or she do it?”
    This was probably going to be my favorite question to answer.

    “Who, you say? I would have to say my boyfriend, Juan. He opened my eyes and made me realize that the world isn’t exactly the cruel heartless thing that I once thought of. He made me see the other side—its thrills, its people, its love. He told me that I could think of whatever I wanted, whether I would be a Christian or an Atheist, it doesn’t matter. He told me that I am unique and no one will change that. The only one who can change that is me alone. He did so by taking me out to places that I never though I would see for the rest of my life, he showed me by playing a card game called Magic: The Gathering. Life is unpredictable, and you sometimes you just need a bit of luck in order to win. That’s why I love him so much—he made me open my eyes to the great things of life, which I thought it would suck. Like I said, I love him so much…”

    “…You want to marry him, huh? Ha!” Daniel laughed insanely.

    “SHUT UP!” I shouted at him. Wow, I haven’t screamed at someone like that in a while!

    “…I’m sorry…” He suddenly says, and then remains quiet.

    “No, I’m sorry, I overreacted…” I replied sadly.

    “….Well, if you say so…” He says, and then says something: “Hey, changing the topic, what classes are you taking in the University?”

    I needed to think. I keep forgetting the classes. “Well, let’s see. I’m taking Design, Western Civilization, Music Appreciation and Christian Faith. Why do you ask?”

    “Well, I never knew. Wait a minute, Christian Faith?” he asks.

    “Yes. What of it?”

    “How do your thoughts compare to how they were before the class and now?”

    I began to think. My thoughts indeed have changed in the past few months. However, the results were not positive. Regardless of what I think about the changes, I tell Daniel anyway.

    “Well, I believe that my way of thinking took a 180 degree spin. My thoughts went from good to depressing. At first, I thought the class was going to cause my change. Ironically, it wasn’t.”

    “Then what did cause the change?” Daniel asks.

    “It was a little moment in my life. I think you remember that my long-time companion Dixian died, yes?”

    “Oh, I think so! I remember her. She was so nice… I miss her…”

    “I miss her too. I was her classmate since elementary. She was wonderful. Then, she got in a car crash, and died in the process. But that’s not all. Remember Britney?”

    “…Yes. I’m still depressed about her death.”
    “How did it happen, I don’t know. I couldn’t even stand in front of her coffin for 10 seconds without blowing into tears. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Not only that, but my parent’s break-up is still affecting me after all these years. Also, don’t get me started on not having a job, a car or a driver’s license… I can’t even be independent…”

    “Stephanie…” he whispered to himself.

    “I thought he can help them, he can bring them back. I’ve prayed for years for a better future, but I haven’t found my inner strength! I ask for it, I begged for it, but no! I get nothing! What kind of a god is he?! I ask for a miracle and I haven’t received it! For so many years, yet I… I-”

    Before I knew it, there were tears in my eyes. I couldn’t hold the pain inside my heart anymore, and had to let it loose like a rapid waterfall. They flowed and flowed. I screamed to the ceiling and cried some more. Daniel rushed to me as everyone else in the shop was looking at me and gave me a massive hug. I needed one of those. He told me things that made me feel better, so I sniffed up my nose and cooled my jets. I stopped crying in a matter of seconds.

    “…Thanks, Daniel. You’re the best…” I said, with teary red eyes still.

    “Anytime, don’t worry! I can’t stand seeing you cry,” He says while he got me a tissue. I cleaned up my nose, and I swear, I think I saw boogers… Yuck!

    I looked at my watch and noticed something: I was running late for my class on Tuesday! I was getting worried and told him:

    “Oh no, I’m running late! Oh, I’m so sorry Daniel, I have to go. Class waits for me!”

    “Aw, well, okay then. Take care, Stephanie,” he says sadly.

    “I will, just don’t worry about me too much.”

    “I’ll try not to.”

    So, we hugged for the last time, I picked up my bag and I was heading to the door, when Daniel calls me and says,

    “God Bless You.”

    I didn’t know how to react, so I simply said,

    “God bless you too, Danny.”

    As soon as I said that, I smiled and left the shop to the next class. Funny, how life can hit you in the face within an hour.