• The thought raced into my head, the horror of it all causing me emotional pain. He was dead. My father was dead. I shivered, remembering the night. That cold, cool night. The moon was covered by the dark snow-bearing clouds, and the soft fluffy flakes were falling gently down to the ground, where they did not melt, but stayed there until the next day when they would be shoveled. Or at least we thought they’d be shoveled. We would have certainly cleared that snow that fell the next day if that unfortunate event happened. He died in front of our very eyes, and I would never forget the look on his face when the bullet hit him. Just the thought of all that made tears spring to my eyes in a frenzy. I wiped them away quickly with my sleeve and felt the resentment of my last words to him. “I hate you,” He had told me to do something, and I got so angry I had yelled at him. Why had I done such a cruel thing?

    I would never forgive myself for saying that, and it was such an unforgivable thing to say, so who could blame me for doing so? I shook my head; no one could blame me. No one. The only thing I really hoped was that he forgave me. I prayed for him every single night, and I prayed to tell him I was sorry for the last words I had spoken to him, but he never sent something that showed that I was forgiven. Every unsuccessful night, I cried myself to sleep, the tears reminding me of everything that I should’ve been ashamed of, and that just made me cry harder. Please, I thought as my face was covered in tears. Forgive me.

    Now, one thing that’s hard about a death is that no one in school cares at all except for the very few friends you have, and I had very few indeed. I had two, Alyss and Jesse. They were the people who helped me through him dying, and they helped me get over yelling at him. Well, at least they thought they did. I hid all my fears and hatred inside of me until I felt I would burst, but I still managed to place that involuntary smile on my face when I went to school every day. It hurt, pulling my lips into that expression, but I didn’t give into my hurts. I would never do that again after him. Never.

    The first day back at school was the hardest, however. No one knew what had happened, and I just looked emotionally distressed, so when I entered my homeroom everyone became silent.


    “What’s with her?” I heard someone whisper. I tried to ignore it, but that became too hard, so the tears started to come. I tried to wipe them away, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, so I was just a girl in a classroom, tears rolling down her face and people began to snicker around me. Alyss walked in and sat next to me in her usually seat, and instantly she knew something was wrong.

    “What’s the matter, Trinity?” She asked, clearly disturbed by the tears on my face. I looked away and didn’t bother to respond, for I was in no mood for contact with anyone, and even though it was my friend, I just couldn’t force the words to come out of my mouth.

    “I-I don’t want to talk about it.” I murmured as I hung my head. Truthfully, even if I could’ve told her I wouldn’t’ve because I was ashamed of myself. And that was the truth no one would know.

    “Okay then…” Alyss looked a little taken aback at my odd response, but she edged over to the other side of her chair to talk to Jesse, our other friend. They kept looking at me when they thought I wasn’t looking, when really I was, with worried looks on their faces, and when they were doing that, one movement from me sent their heads jolting back to where they were before. I could only imagine what everyone around me was thinking about me. Wondering why I was breaking down in school, wondering why I wasn’t talking to Jesse and Alyss. Wondering everything. The bell rang and we all picked up our things and proceeded to our first class.

    ***


    Class was worse, but I was glad everything was over with. It was lunch, and we had all just been heading down to the cafeteria for it when I was nearly pushed down the stairs. Two obnoxious boys had pushed me aside to get to the big room before me, maybe they did it on purpose or maybe they didn’t, but whatever their intention was it didn’t make me feel any better.

    I walked over to our regular lunch table and sat down, no lunch bag in my hands. My friends joined me shortly after, and before they sat down they exchanged worried glances. They sat down in their regular spots, Alyss on the opposite side of the table right across from me and Jesse next to her. They both took out something to eat, but stopped when they noticed I had nothing.

    “Are you hungry, Trinity?” Asked Jesse, who hadn’t spoken to me all day.

    “No, I’m not.” I said, rejecting her offer. “I’m not in the mood for anything to eat or drink.” I folded my arms on the table and lay my head down on top of it, resting for I hadn’t gotten much sleep the previous night.

    “Look,” Alyss began, “We’re both worried about you, and we want to know what’s wrong with you, Trinity. What happened to you?”

    I looked her in the eyes and shook my head. “You really want to know?” I asked. She nodded and I sighed, wishing she hadn’t said so. I didn’t really want to tell anyone, it still hurt, but I guess I could. “My father died last night,” I said, the tears welling up in my eyes again. “Someone broke into my house yesterday, and when they were leaving the house, he tried to stop them,” I gulped. “And they shot him.” The depression came back all in a great wave, taking me away. Far away to another shore.

    Both Jesse and Alyss said at the same time, “Oh, Trinity! I’m so sorry!” They both came over and hugged me, and for once in that day, I cried without caring.

    ***


    I boarded the bus, tear streaks fresh on my face, and I sat in my regular seat, which was right across the aisle from a guy named Leah. I sort of had a crush on him and would always try to catch his eyes, but today didn’t matter at all. I didn’t want to go home only to find that my father’s chair was empty in the family room, it would be too much. I scooted over as far as I could towards the window and placed my backpack on my lap, leaving plenty of space for whoever was to sit next to me.

    I watched as the seats around me filled up, one by one and the one Leah always sat in remained empty until two eighth graders strided up to it and sat down. I looked out the window and saw him climb onto the bus. There were no other seats except for the one I was in, so he sat next to me, and I didn’t care. My heart didn’t flutter like it normally would, and I just sat there thinking of my father. The thoughts turned to tears and before I knew it I was crying again.

    “Are you okay?” Asked Leah. He must’ve noticed my tears, so I turned towards him.

    “Yeah,” I said, my voice choking, “I’m fine…” I turned away and looked out the window, watching the scenery go by. It was so peaceful…

    “I have a feeling your not.” Lead said, his voice smug. I looked back over at him, his mouth a thin line, and his eyes were set. He looked determined to find out what I was upset about.

    “Well… you’re kind of right,” I bit my lip, and I couldn’t meet his eyes.

    “Well then. What’s wrong?” He asked, folding his arms.

    “My father’s dead. He died a few days ago, which is why I was absent for a few days.” Not that he would really care, I finished in my head. I knew he really didn’t like me like I liked him, but he was a reasonable kid.

    “Oh,” He said, his face falling. “I’m sorry.”

    And we spoke no more.

    ***


    I opened the door to my house, feeling the memory of his death hit me full force again. Why did it happen every time I went through the door? I didn’t know, but I sighed and continued into the kitchen, the next room in the house. I didn’t see my mother, so I suspected she was upstairs crying again. That’s mostly what she did nowadays, and I spent most of my days curled up on the couch, thinking about him. Thinking about my last words.

    The family room was next, so I entered it, dumped my backpack on the floor, and flung myself on the couch, my face turning hot again as fresh tears came to them. I saw the empty chair, saw the loneliness, saw the bullet hit him again and again. It was too much. I began to sob, trashing about wildly, wishing I had never thought a horrible thing about my father, but it had happened, and I was an emotional wreck because of it.

    I don’t know how long I cried there, but it was quite a long time, and when I tried to speak, my voice was hoarse and scratchy. I wiped my bloodshot eyes and sat up. I realized that it was now dark, for the sun had set and outside was darkening as the last shadows of daytime fading away. I got up, and left the room behind, trying to leave behind my hurtful memories with it    .


    I sighed, remembering it all. The memories were like raw wounds, that when touched they pulsed and sent waves of pain all over. I shuddered and looked out the window, seeing that it had turned dark again. I was spending too much time thinking now I forgot to keep track of time. I picked myself up and walked upstairs to bed. My mother and I had already had dinner. Early. We always did now, preferring to spend our evening hours by ourselves. I closed the door behind me, and heard the click it made when I closed it.

    Doing what I did every night since my father’s death, I opened the window and kneeled beside it to pray. Like always, I asked for my father’s forgiveness and for the safety of my mother. I did not want the same thing to happen to her. I prayed for my friends, for my wellbeing, and lastly for my inner peace. I was constantly at war with myself on the matter of my last words.

    He’s up there with hatred in his eyes for you all because of what you said to him.

    No, why would he hate me? He knew I truly loved him… I always did.

    No, that’s just what he wanted you to think. Why would he have forced you to do all those things?

    He did that because we all had to do our share in working. I was just in a bad mood.

    Are you so sure? Maybe what you said really reflected what you think.

    Lies!

    I sighed. The feud had been going on for weeks now, and I was sick an tired of it. It was constantly annoying me with its doubts and anger. It was becoming old, too. I kept contradicting myself with more questions, and I some of them I couldn’t find answers to. It wasn’t fair…

    I finished my prayer and closed the window. I changed into my pajamas and turned off the lights, and my room lapsed into silence as I fell asleep.

    ***


    I woke up the next morning to find it raining. The pattering on the roof soothed me as I got out of the blankets and dressed for my day. As I walked down the stairs, I plastered that smile I forced onto my face every day. It hurt to wear all the time, for how could I smile when there was so much to despair about? I didn’t answer my question and I continued to breakfast.

    I finished soon and called to my mother I was leaving for school. I grabbed my backpack, shouldered it, and was on my merry way out the door. The day was dreary and grey, the rain falling down from the sky lightly, dampening anything it touched. I sighed and began to walk to the bus stop, realizing that the wind was stronger than I thought it had been. It whipped my hair around, and sent the rain all over the place in unexpected ways. The trees also swayed violently, their leaves swishing all around.

    The rain soaked me before I made it to the stop, and the wetness was uncomfortable. Every time I moved, I felt the wet and it made me cold. I shivered. It wasn’t even a cold day, but the rain always made everything worse. I usually liked the rain, but I guess that was when it wasn’t drenching me while I was running for the bus…

    I was the last at the stop, and just as I ran up, the bus pulled up. Everyone filed in, and since I was the last to arrive, I was the last to get in. I saw Leah staring out the window, and I sat in the seat across the aisle. I didn’t bother to look at him, because I knew it wasn’t worth it. I should just get over him, I knew that, but something inside of me told me I shouldn’t. I couldn’t resist any longer, so I looked over at him.

    His eyes met mine, and he said unexpectedly, “How’ve you been?” It wasn’t exactly shocking that he spoke to me, but I was startled all the same.

    “Um… I’ve been fine, I guess.” Lies. The words were all lies. I wasn’t fine at all. I was a depressed girl who needed help, but didn’t want it. I rejected help from everyone. My friends had thought they had ejected the torture I had given myself from the fact that I had told my father I had hated him, but they really didn’t. I still thought about it all the time, feeling guilty every time I had the thought.

    Leah nodded at my response. “Good.” He turned back to his window, and I turned back to mine, and we didn’t speak for the rest of the ride, like usual.

    ***


    I entered homeroom, that same forced smile on my face. The smile I despised, hated with all my might. I sat down in my seat and grinned at Alyss and Jesse. They were there before me, which usually didn’t happen. They smiled back, and Alyss looked at Jesse with her joking look.

    “We were just talking about something.” She said, that familiar sparkle in her eyes showed when she said the words.

    “What were you talking about?” I asked, humoring her.

    She leaned in closer. “`Bout you and Leah. I heard someone say something about you and him talking on the bus. That true?” Jesse giggled and I rolled my eyes.

    “Yes, it’s true. Does it really matter?”

    “`Coarse it matters.” Said Jesse. “It means you have a better chance with him.”

    “Sure it does.” I said sarcastically. “He’s done that, like, a million times and he’s shown no interest in me.”

    “Whatever you wanna think,” Alyss shrugged, her expression still smug.

    I ignored them for the rest of homeroom. All they’d do was make jokes about me and Leah, and how I liked him and stuff like that. The bell rang, and we all waved at each other before leaving the classroom.

    ***


    I had Math first, then History, and finally, the last class I had before lunch was Science. After Science, the teacher let us go to lunch, and I ran over to my locker to get my bag, which I had today. I pulled on the lock and it came loose. I opened to locker and took out my lunch bag and slammed my locker shut again. I ran down to the cafeteria and reserved our table, like always. I sat down and removed a sandwich and began to eat. Jesse joined me first, then Alyss and we began to chat again.

    “How’s your day so far?”

    “What’d you do in your classes?”

    “Wasn’t this morning boring?”

    Stuff like that. We laughed a lot, like usual, and then threw away our trash. The two others both looked at me exactly the same way they had looked at me the first day I had come back to school, I began to think an uncomfortable question was on its way.

    Jesse came over to me, and sat down across from me, her eyes serious. “How’ve you been lately, Trinity?” She asked.

    “Fine, why do you ask?”

    “We just wanted to know, cause after all that happened to you, you’ve been acting surprisingly happy all time.”

    “I got over it fast,” Lies again. “So?”

    “Nothing, nothing. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Jesse said, backing out of the conversation. She was biting her lip.

    “No, we don’t. I’m fine.” I got up and threw away my trash, and right as I did so the bell rang. I bolted off towards my next class, eager to get away from my friends and their questions.

    ***


    Instead of taking the bus, I ran home. It was a long time before I actually got there, but it gave me an opportunity to think about all that had happened that day. No one took me serious anymore. They asked me how was I? Was I okay? Even if I responded in a positive way, they’d look at me oddly for the next few days, and I was tired of it. Tired of the questions. Tired of the answers. Tired of the guilt…

    I nearly ran into the road while I wasn’t thinking, but I stopped right as a car zoomed by. If only I hadn’t been paying attention more… it could’ve all be over, and I would be free. Is sighed. How would my mother like my death too? She would be overwhelmed by grief and she wouldn’t want to hang on to life. No, me dying wasn’t a very good idea.

    I kept thinking as I ran home, and I made sure I paid attention to all the places where I had to cross the street.

    ***


    I made it home after a long time. The sky was darkening, and when I tramped onto the porch, I was gasping for breath. My mother probably wouldn’t know I had ran home, for she always spent her time upstairs. When I opened the door, I found out that I was right. She was nowhere to be seen, and I was pretty much alone that night. I bounded into the family room, and placed my backpack on the floor before going back out into the kitchen. I read the clock, and it said back to me 6:30. It was just about dinnertime.

    I took out a few leftovers from the fridge and microwaved them until they were okay for eating, and I sat down alone to eat. I finished, and it was around 6:45, so I decided to take a shower. The hot water and steam might be good for me, so I put my dishes in the dishwasher and ran upstairs to get my pajamas. I ran back down once I had them, and I closed the door of the bathroom behind me.

    Soon, the warm shower water was dripping over me, calming my frayed mind, and helping me forget all about my recent life. It was relaxing, and I wanted it to last forever, but I couldn’t waste water, so I climbed out after turning the faucet off. I dried myself, dressed, and left the room. I looked at the clock, but I realized I was tired, so it didn’t matter what time it was. I clambered up the stairs and shut my door. I placed my dirt clothes on the floor and went over to the window. I shoved it open and began my prayer, but tonight I decided to say something different.

    “God, I pray to you to keep my family safe from harm, and to keep them away from any danger. I thank you for all you’ve done for me in the past, and I thank you for all you’re going to do in the future,” Thunder boomed outside, and rain began to fall. It came through the window, wetting the carpet and myself. I didn’t close it, for I wasn’t done yet, and for some reason, I liked the window open.

    “And Father?” I asked, hoping he’d hear tonight. “I’m sorry I said I hated you. I never meant it. Every bad thing I ever thought, and said about you was a lie, and now I realized what a wonderful person you were. I don’t know why, but when you were with us, I didn’t think of you as important as you are now that you’re dead. I wish I had loved you more, loved you as much as you truly deserved when you were alive, and now that you’re gone I realize my mistake.”

    The rain came down harder, and my hair became soaked, but still, I didn’t close the window. Lightning flashed, illuminating the outside world. I saw the silhouettes of the trees outside my window for a split second before they faded away with the light. Tears were in my eyes, and I just needed for him to forgive me tonight. I really did.

    “If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, Father, please do. The guilt is tearing me from the inside out, and I really am sorry…” A sudden gust of wind vaulted its way into the room, and suddenly I heard the sound of laughter. Our laughter. Still today I remember that moment in time. We were outside, and he had said something funny. I can’t remember what he had said, but we had both laughed, and that was the same laughter I heard now. A tear fell down my face, as I stared out the window. I knew what the gust of wind and laughter meant.

    Finally I had been forgiven. Finally I was free.

    I continued my prayer, feeling the overwhelming emotions swirl around inside of me. For one thing, I was overjoyed, but I was also filled with a certain emptiness inside of me. Even though I was forgiven, he was still dead, and it still hurt. I gulped and said the last word, and as it left my lips, all feelings of regret and guilt left me.

    “Amen.”