• I remember our first kiss…

    In fact, how could I forget? It was the first happy moment in my life. I was so aware of all the darker emotions- fear, anger, hate, sadness, etc; that happiness, no, pure giddiness was alien to me. It’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it, of course.

    Two years have passed, I remember it like yesterday.

    I was young, freshly 18, in fact, it was Valentines Day, my birthday. Fitting time for a first kiss, I think, but I’ve always hated that holiday for personal reasons that…well, no longer apply. Does it mean I like the holiday now? Well, not then (who am I kidding? I still don‘t).

    Everything was new, except for him. He had been my doctor for a couple years now, helping me get through my past that kept me up at night, or woke me up screaming. That sent me through the all to common panic attacks, I always thought she would return then.

    Return to punish me once again.

    But it didn’t matter then, I was safe, I somehow knew I was. The asylum moved me to his home after he made the suggestion, I couldn’t, and still can’t, understand why they did it, of course, now I would go back. Then, it was amazing.

    Being treated like I mattered.

    And that kiss…

    It was sometime in the afternoon, after he had gotten me a teddy bear which I believe he threw away 2 years later after our now common arguments. I was on my bed admiring the teddy happily, the asylum never got me gifts, and like hell my mother would. Midori and Yoshiki sometimes took me outside on my birthday…but I believe they always got in trouble afterwards. Mother hated me outside, outside anything but my room. I got yelled out after that, imagine the beatings I endured after my birthday presents.

    Luckily, they stopped after the second time.

    He was watching me through the corner of his eye, though he was pretending to watch the teddy. I could feel his ice-blue, though at that time they were warm, on me. I remember him taking the teddy from me and sitting it down on the bed, then taking both his hands and cupping my face.

    Oh! I wasn’t used to this.

    He smiled at me, perhaps to calm my nerves, which were going haywire at that moment. I don’t think that smiled helped much, my heart started to beat so quickly, I thought it could never get faster. I tried to smile back, I imagine how stupid I must have looked then.

    He kissed my forehead, something he seemed to do often thenn, my heart pounded faster, much to my surprise. Adrenaline rushed through my veins like hot fire, I wanted to rip myself from his arms and cower in the corner. Adrenaline, to me, usually meant it was time for me to get my a** out of the area.