• “Come on, he could be good for you. He really likes you and I know you like him. If he were to ask you out right now, would you say yes?” I look at my friend from across the lunch table. She’s been dogging me for days about this. No matter how I try to drive the conversation away from it she always brings it back around to him.

    “You ever notice how the cafeteria steak fingers keep getting harder and harder?” I pick one up and tap it on the table. “Are they making them out of granite now, or what?”

    “Quit playing with your food.”

    “Well what am I supposed to do with it? It’s not like any of it is edible.” I smile and watch her reaction, hoping for one in return. She doesn’t smile.

    “Just answer the question. Would you say yes?”

    I put the steak finger back on the tray and push it aside. It really is inedible. “I don’t know. I don’t really see him much.”

    “Yes you do. You sit right next to him in English and Algebra!”

    “Well it’s not like I talk to the guy. I don’t think I’ve said three words to him all year. Besides, I seriously doubt that he likes me. Why would he?”

    “Why do you do that?”

    “Do what?”

    “Talk down about yourself like that.”

    “But it’s true. I’m not exactly pretty.”

    She shakes her head. “That’s not the way he sees it. You’ve never had a boyfriend before. Why can’t he be your first?”

    I throw in a last stitch effort to make her laugh, “Why break a winning streak?”

    No dice. She rubs her temples, clearly frustrated with me. I say, “My jokes are never funny when you’re trying to solve my problems… so lets not. Hey, how are things with you and…” The bell rings and the cafeteria starts to empty. I pick up my tray. “Oh well, talk to you later.

    She picks up her tray and takes it to the trash. “Yeah, talk to you later. I still want an answer though. I’ll ask you again tomorrow.” She gets her stuff and heads to class.

    I dump the contents of my try into the trash can and start walking to my next class. Why is this so important to her? I am perfectly happy with the way things are. I don’t need a boyfriend.

    It is kind of cute to watch other couples, always laughing and just enjoying being together. Every once in a while I might entertain the thought, “Why can’t I have that?”

    I don’t need to ask that question. I already know the answer. I just can’t tell anyone, not even my best friend, not out right anyway… I can barely admit it to myself. I can’t have that because… I’m afraid… I am afraid to have a boyfriend.

    Well, not afraid of the actual boyfriend, but of what having a boyfriend means. I’m afraid of relationship or commitment. I know it sounds corny but how else can I describe it?

    It all starts with a boyfriend, doesn’t it? Every thing goes from just you to them. You’re a unit, always together, sharing everything, always someone to be there for you, someone who would…. Well I guess there is nothing wrong with those things but that's just how it starts.

    Once the initial ‘love’ has worn off, when the haze clears from his eyes, he starts to see all of your flaws. How crooked your smile is, showing all of your not-so-white teeth, or maybe the way you squint your eyes when you laugh, how the whites disappear and you look like some kind of demon. He’ll see the way your feet role heel to toe when you walk. What are you doing? Marching? All of those little flaws start to stand out, piling up one on top of another until he wonders why he liked you in the first place. The next thing you know he’s off with someone else, someone more attractive.

    I just can not see how someone can trust another person so completely that they can give their heart to them. What is to keep him from crushing it? How do they know that he won’t rip it to shreds the first chance he gets, leaving you to pick up the pieces? I’ve seen it. I hate it. I don’t want it. The moment I started noticing, thinking hey he’s kind of cute… No! Heart went into a safe, into a closet, lock the door, throw away the key, never to be seen.

    I became the one every one talked to; the one everyone shared their secrets with. I never let anyone in, so I didn't let anything out either. All of those secrets went into the closet, slipped under the door, to be kept safe, while their owners walked away so happy to have had a great burden lifted off their shoulders. I carried the burden for them.

    Now my friend wants to dive into that closet; to help me unbury my heart. But I don’t want her to find it. I want it to stay hidden, to stay safe.

    When I was little, my dad would say “You are so afraid of the dark that pretty soon you are going to be afraid of twilight too.” Dad was right. The boy is my twilight, and I am afraid.

    I decide I’m not going to class. I don’t feel so good all of a sudden. I head toward the school entrance, so wrapped up in my thoughts that I run straight into a wall. Only it isn’t a wall, it’s a person.

    I stammer, “O-oh I’m sorry!” I look up to see who I had just nearly plowed over. It’s Him! I feel my cheeks start to burn. I can’t believe I just ran into him! Of all the people in this school, why did he have to be the one standing right here? He smiles down at me, “not going to class either I see.”

    My heart beats loudly against its iron prison. Does it really want to leave me that much? He says,” How about I walk you home?” I nod. My mouth had just disconnected from my brain, neither one want to function properly at the moment so nodding was about all I could do. We leave the school together. He seems so… happy. I don’t know why, but he hasn’t stopped smiling since I ran into him… Maybe twilight won’t be so bad.