vampire awaked

• Artist: hamstermamm
• Description: the queen of the vampires and her "children".
• Date: 07/31/2008
• Tags: vampires

Two 16 year old girls were walking along a road one night. they were trying to get a ride.they saw a light coming and then a pain in thier necks. they look and see blood dripping down thier necks. then they went unconconcios.

When they woke up they were in dark, inclosed box. they were in a coffin. when they finnally got out of the coffins, they saw an attractive woman with long fangs. the first girl tired to speak but somehow the woman was speaking in thier minds. "you are my children. i have given you a gift of imoortal life and undenible attractivenis. you have become a vampire. i am saphire the queen of the vampires. i am your mother now. your new names are ruby and dimond." somehow the girls belived her.


to be continued...

Comments

[XxInnocent-FearxX]

Soo many things are wrong...OBVIOUSLY!
But getting away from the wrong things...
It's good but NEEDS improvement...soo...much...

5 stars
But next time,spell check~

[RachelRebellion]

Great. I like it, but it is in desperate need of Spell Check, and you need more to your story.. so far, so good ^-^

[Xx_Crimson Arrows_xX]

Dear God!....You need to fix soooo many things....and come up with a better story line....explain why they were trying to get a ride...Were they going somewhere? Were they leaving from somewhere? What's their connection to the vampire queen? Also, get a dictionary...you really need one....and, I beg of you, CORRECT YOU SPELLING!!!

[enmortem]

-sighs- Spellcheck, grammer, plot line...all need work. I mean, come on, "awaked" isn't even a word!

[wallerrob]

soory but you need a dictionary and a better plot line.

[Kanneric Knite]

flow and sentence structure suck and it's not that creative

[Lycanthra2000]

I like it, its a little short but I will reserve judgement to see how this goes. good job biggrin